The Old Man Chronicles

Today, I decided I wanted to have a bagel with lox and cream cheese for breakfast. I stopped at Jaffa Bagel, which is conveniently located in the lobby of my office building.

Aside from the fact that I ordered a bagel with lox and cream cheese, the events that transpired between order and payment made me feel old. It was kind of ridiculous actually. I'll deliver this in script format:

Me: I'd like a sesame bagel with lox, tomato, onion and cream cheese.
Bagel Lady: Toasted?
Me: Yes, please.
Bagel Lady: OK.

Bagel Lady selects a sesame bagel, slices it, puts it in the toaster, then takes the next order. While she's helping the next customer, my bagel finishes toasting, and Bagel Manager picks it up.

Bagel Manager: Who had the sesame?
Me: I did.
Bagel Manager: What would you like on it?
Me: Lox, tomato, onion and cream cheese.

Bagel Manager hands the bagel back to Bagel Lady and tells her my order. She puts some lox on the bagel, then She looks at me and says:

Bagel Lady: You want tomatoes and onion?
Me:(blinks twice) Yes, please.
Bagel Lady: Cream cheese?
Me:(blinks twice more) Um...yes.
Bagel Lady: OK.

Bagel Lady builds the sandwich, wraps it, puts it in a bag, hands to the cashier. I walk to the cashier.

Cashier: What do you have?
Me: Sesame bagel with lox, tomato, onion and cream cheese.
Cashier: With cream cheese?
Me: (glances to both sides to see if perhaps there are three of me) Yes!
Cashier: So a bagel with lox and cream cheese or a lox sandwich?
Me: Is there a difference?
Cashier: Did you have tomato and onion on it?
Me: (searches around to see if there's a rewind button for the conversation) Yep. I did.

The Cashier rings up the sale, and as I'm walking away, I hear the next person in line order a blueberry bagel with plain cream cheese. Bagel Lady proceeds to ask her if she wants cream cheese on it.

Does this seem like a ridiculous experience to anyone else? Because it did to me. And then I felt old because it felt so ridiculous.

Exhaust

There is no sanctity of the self anymore. We've created a culture of mass produced, manufactured individuality. Even our counter-culture idols stand up and scream at the top of their lungs, "Be like me! Think like me! Behave like me!"

I don't even feel like ranting about it anymore. I've got no faith that anyone sees the fallacy, or that I'm correct for feeling and seeing the world this way. I'll just make it my Holiday Wish this season that everyone can stop pretending that they're not drones following whatever popular trends arise. It's fine to adhere to popular gestalt; we are, after all, products of the time in which we exist. We consume the pabulum we are fed, and everything we are fed is pabulum. Whether it's Chef Boyardee, DIY Punk, Paste Magazine, the latest Scholastic Books release, or whichever underground indie flick is wowing audiences across the nation, we're not really much more than the exhaust of the consumer culture engine.

I'm just going to quote some of my favorite pabulum, because I'm part of the problem:

We owe so much money, we're not broke we're broken.
We're so poor we can't even pay attention.

So what do you want?
You want to be famous and rich and happy,
But you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world;
Nothing to say and no way to say it.
But you can say it in three languages.

You are more than the sum of what you consume!
Desire is not an occupation.

-KMFDM. Dogma, XTORT. WaxTrax/TVT Records, 1996.

What am I even talking about? I need a milkshake.

Crucible Connections: On The Road explained.

This is why my friend M Town Mikey grounds me. He can put my words in order when I get so frustrated with something that I can't spit anything out.

------------------------------------------
From: Daniel Morris
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Just for you

On the Road made so mad. MAKES me so mad. What is it about that book that was so special? What the heck? Why do so many people live in awe of it and Kerouac? There’s nothing in there! Nothing! Neal Cassady sweats a lot, they're all assholes, and then it ends. Pointless, meaningless, insubstantial claptrap. A vapid, sanctimonious exploration of pure and loathsome nihilism.

What did I miss? Seriously, what did I miss that’s so substantial that Kerouac is taught as the savior of American literature?

-Dan

------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: M-Town Mikey
To: Daniel Morris
Subject: RE: Just for you

I don't know that it's accurate to say that Kerouac is taught as the savior of American literature. The only people I've known who really LOVE Kerouac are unrealistic. It's not fair nor accurate to call them naive or innocent, but I have always regarded them as... magical thinkers, I guess.

I have never taken a Kerouac course. However, I could totally see such a course going like this:

Professor: Welcome to Kerouac and On the Road. In this class we'll discuss how two world wars and the resulting military-industrial complex so traumatized our nation that people came to believe that this piece of shit On the Road represents...something.

Student: You mean it isn't any good?

Professor: Just read, okay?

Student reads the book.

Student: Wow...

Professor: I know, right? It's a total piece of shit.

-M-Town Mikey

GNC is a bunch of filthy, scum liars.

A few months back, my roommate got strep throat, on top of a bad respiratory infection/flu type thing. And this thing lingered. Not wanting to catch The Dreaded Lurgi, I spent $29.00 on GNC's house-blend immune system booster, which the kindly Macedonian gentleman behind the counter guaranteed would make me, "Strong like bull, beautiful like tractor."

I took two of those capsules a day, every day, so I could stay healthy. Yes, I took two of them a day just like the bottle said, not on an empty stomach, drinking plenty of water, and do you know why I stopped? I stopped because after a week and half, I got hit with Lurgi Force 10, and was sick non-stop for a freakin' month.

I figured at the time that the sickness had already gotten a hold of me before I started taking GNC's fine brew. I find out now, no, GNC's fine brew is encapsulated bullshit. Because once again, my roommate has brought home the Lurgi, and from the moment he started to complain of feeling unwell, I popped the top on those bad boys and started huffing them down like Kim Kardashian with a tray of morning after pills. I'm going on vacation Saturday. I'm NOT getting sick.

Haha! WRONG! AGAIN! The Lurgi is now flowing from my bowels and seeping from my olfactory crevices. And with it, I'm sure, several grams of corn syrup and food dye masquerading as $29.00 worth of immune system boosting agents.

I'm so going to go sneeze on that Macedonian guy.

Cracked

I cracked yesterday. I was on the phone with Comcast, because I was interested in upgrading my cable so's I can enjoy the NHL playoffs in delicious digital HD. In speaking with the friendly and helpful service person on Comcast's end (this must've been an aberration; most of the time, Comcast phone customer service people are surly, rude, and ignorant of their own services and policies), I learned that it would be an extra $60 per month to add the digital starter package and an HD box, plus installation fees.

Now, on the website, this same package is $29.99 a month. With free installation. For new customers only. I asked if I could get that deal, and found out that not even an agreement with Satan himself could secure it.

My inner 60-year-old came out to play, and I snapped on the one and only friendly and helpful Comcast staffer in the world. I felt bad about it afterward, but my head may have popped like a water balloon had I not.

I said, verbatim, "You know what, screw this. I'm so f***ing tired of cable companies and wireless companies and every other service I subscribe to caring 100% more about new subscribers than me." This is where he interrupted me, but I just kept talking over him. "You want to charge me literally 100% more than a new customer because I've been stupid enough to loyally pay Comcast every month for the past five years."

I've got no excuses, and I won't pretend. I'm old. Maybe not in age, but in mind. These darn kids and their subscriber packages. Why are new subscribers more important to these companies? Why's it OK for them to lose money on new subscribers, but it's not OK to cut existing subscribers any slack? Why do I have to pay an $18 upgrade fee to AT&T Wireless when I renew my contract and get a new phone? Why does my cable bill go up every three months even though channels disappear? Why is it when I want to UPGRADE any services to either of these companies (read: give them more money every month), there are always service fees that go along with it that I wouldn't be paying if I wasn't so foolish as to be loyal.

I get so mad just thinking about it...anyway, I feel bad about yesterday because I ruined that dude's day for no good reason. It's not his fault he works for fiscal rapists. It's not his fault I'm a technology addict.

Point is, anyone know how to steal cable? Because I don't want to give ANY of these people my money anymore.

Facebook Fans

So, wow, I've got Facebook fans. 31 of them. That's pretty darn cool.

I'll be doing another stand up set tonight. Stay tuned. Because tonight's set doesn't hinge on the line "Babies don't have money." Or some subtle reference to improper uses of deli shaved ham.

My Facebook Fan Page

Midway Games: Bonuses of Bankruptcy

Take a look at this.

Midway Games, filing for bankruptcy, selling off any assets of value, firing thousands, and paying out executive bonuses.

So far, we've seen this behavior from credit institutions, banks, manufacturing...any industry touched by the recession. Now, even video game companies. I understand in rough times, companies must downsize. But if the company is going to downsize while allowing the executives who led them confidently towards failure to receive bonuses, my faith in free market economics is officially murdered.

Bonuses?! BONUSES?! You get a damn bonus when the company is profitable. If you're filing for bankruptcy, you don't deserve a damned bonus. But the people who worked creatively and devotedly for you certainly deserve their paycheck and, if need be, their severence and PTO payouts. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I wish this was the only story like this, but from AIG to Wachovia to GM to blah blah blah, bailed-out and bankrupted companies are paying out billions of dollars in bonuses while putting literally millions of people out of work around the world. The one silver lining on this story is that Midway isn't paying bonuses out of taxpayer money from bailouts.

Slimey, scheming, scum bastards. Screw begging your pardon, if this is capitalism and free market economics in action, color me socialist or communist or anything BUT capitalist. My trust in the individual is no more.

Holiday Inn City Center Peoria

Perhaps I'm a snob, perhaps I'm being picky, but, I sent this message to the hotel general manager:

Let me begin by saying that I have found the staff at the Holiday Inn City Center Peoria to be helpful and professional beyond reproach. They are all well-mannered and courteous. I appreciate the many complimentary services, including wireless internet and parking.

Unfortunately, for the $118.00 a night plus 11.5% tax I am spending during my stay here, the accommodations are shocking. Shocking is a strong term, and I wouldn't use it if I was not, indeed, shocked and appalled by the state of my room. The bathroom seems to have suffered through some sort of serious event. Joint tape on the ceiling in the shower is peeling and hanging loose. The shower head fixture has pulled away from the wall, the seal formed by the caulk broken. Baseboard trim behind the toilet seems to have been hastily applied in hopes of masking some sort of damage. When I sit on the toilet, it shifts precariously. It took twenty-five minutes for the water in the shower to become luke-warm enough to bathe in tolerably, and then suddenly became scalding hot as I was applying my shampoo.

Beyond the bathroom, one of the table legs on the desk is broken, enough so that I wouldn't want to put any weight on it. The weather seal around the window in the room is barely intact, and bleeds the cold winter air from outside.

When I booked my stay, I was not expecting accommodations of opulence and luxury. I was, however, expecting a well maintained room in which I could comfortably perform my daily ablutions. The price of this stay is by no means a bargain. It is a fee that demands a certain standard which has not been met. It is a shame that the dedicated and helpful staff here, which does indeed include you, will never, ever receive my business again.

Yours with extreme disappointment and dissatisfaction,
-Daniel Morris
Room 303

Me and My Stand Up

So this is what I do. And dream about. And stuff.

Recently:


Second Stand Up from Daniel Morris on Vimeo.
http://vimeo.com/3391290 for those of you on Facebook, because the embedded video won't get imported into my notes.


Previously:


Dan does stand up from Daniel Morris on Vimeo.
http://vimeo.com/3292963 again, for the facebook people.

Helpful Devices

I saw this on a coworker's desk today:



My immediate thought was that it must be one of those new Mr. Popeil Executive Enemas, for when you just don't have the time to leave your cubicle. I was completely wrong. But do you know what it is? I'd like to know your thoughts.

This particular Dunkin' Donuts can eat me

There's a restaurant in my building called Ponte Fresco. Before I started this wacky vegetarian thing (which...my God, I haven't pooped like this since I was an infant...), I used to go to Ponte Fresco every Friday morning and buy a large coffee and a ham egg and cheese croissant. It was the best breakfast sandwich available within a fifteen minute walk, and that's saying a lot.

This morning, I walked into Ponte Fresco, because it was time to eat some meat. I'm not doing this vegetarian thing for moral reasons, just health. And I've been eating so healthy lately, filling my belly with okra and tofu and celery and pinto beans, that I could scarf down an entire flash-fried buffalo and, as long as I ate a Fiber One bar afterward, suffer no ill effects. I craved that ham egg and cheese croissant, jonesed for it. First time in over a month.

Of course, wouldn't you know it, they don't make it anymore. Which not only sucks but also makes me feel guilty. With my switch to oatmeal and fruit plates, was I the only one supporting the Croissant program at Ponte Fresco? Did I contribute to the decline and fall of an institution near and dear to my heart (indeed, clogging my heart from the inside)? Yes, yes I did, and now it's gone forever.

At this point, did I just buy a bowl of oatmeal and cave in to the healthy lifestyle? No. No I did not. But I should have. Instead, I walked down to Dunkin' Donuts, and ordered an extra large coffee and a bacon, egg, and cheese Waffle Sandwich. With the order came the discovery that when frequenting this particular establishment, I can fairly assume that I'd be wise to stick with the eponymous Donuts.

Take two Eggo waffles, shrink them by 40%, and betwixt them, put some scrambled egg that's been in the freezer, and a few strips of vulcanized rubber in the shape and color of bacon and cheese. Dip the whole thing in luke warm water, microwave for forty five seconds. Wrap it in paper and stand around for fifteen minutes, to simulate the completely incomprehensible wait at the actual shop. That would be a fair facsimile of the Waffle Sandwich experience.

Furthermore, I'm assuming since everyone who goes into Dunkin' orders their coffee with cream and sugar, they brew it extra weak so as not to offend. I taste nothing that even remotely resembles coffee. I taste hot water. Perhaps a hint of chickory. But coffee? No sir.

Also, I need someone to explain to me the deal with coffee lids at Dunkin'. What's with the completely removeable tab on the top? What purpose does it serve? It doesn't anger me...just completely confounds me. WHY DOES THIS THING COME OFF? Is it for ninjas who need an emergency shuriken? What's the deal?

Next time I feel like breaking the diet, I will remember this. And, no, I won't order oatmeal instead. I'll do the sensible thing, walk down to McDonald's, and get a McGriddle.

A Video, which if you're a nerd like me, you'll enjoy:

What the hell is happening to me?

The other day, I'm driving to the local Home Depot. Turning off my street onto the main road, I notice a guy walking down the street on the shoulder, dressed in black. It's about 8:00 at night, and the first thing I think is, "Goddammit, why are there always people walking here? And why are they always wearing black walking on the shoulder of a main road at night?"

I started to get all worked up, the way I do, zero to cranked in about two seconds flat. Stupid people tempting me to murder them with my car. Don't they know I'm not stable, don't they know I've got a Polish temper, don't they know all it would take is a little nudge to tip me over a psychotic break?

Just as my temper is about to reach the flashpoint, a new thought crosses my mind: "Wait a second...there's always people walking here...why isn't there a sidewalk?"

You'd think the village would provide a safe artery for pedestrian traffic. How much could it possibly cost the village to build five blocks of sidewalk? To be fair, I don't think there have been that many pedestrian casualties on that stretch of road. But does that mean the village should wait until there are to lay down some concrete slab?

My village is a low income community where many people use public transportation, which they have to walk to. It would only make sense that there be sidewalks. And don't start with the "who's going to pay for it" crap. I've worked maintenance and construction. It wouldn't break the village.

I used to ride my bike along that stretch of road to the train station, and I stopped and started driving because I got clipped by rear view mirrors every day. Never injured, but scared shitless many times. Having had that experience, why did I immediately get mad at the pedestrian? Because drivers think they own the road, and no one else, cylists, pedestrians, hell, even motorcyclists, should be allowed fair passage. I know this, because I am a driver, but I'm one of those rare drivers who also occasionally walks, rides a bike, and a motorcycle.

I guess what I'm getting at is, next time you're driving and you get pissed off because someone's on a bike or walking on the shoulder, take a couple of steps to become reasonable again. A) Read the rules of the road (in illinois, bicycles have the same road rights as automobiles). B) Take a walk or a bike ride once you park your car for a little perspective.

Gosh, I'm such a party pooper these days.

Inauguration Day

Today, CNN.com and Facebook partnered to provide live streaming video of the inauguration to Facebook users who could log in and monitor their friends comments during the coverage. It was interesting, but overall just another social marketing gimmick. That doesn't mean I didn't participate, it just means that I'm a judgmental cynic.

While I was watching the coverage and feverishly trying to keep pace with friends and their status updates, some of the comments really caught my eye, for good and bad reasons. Some of these were (and it's up to you to put value judgments on them...also, names are withheld because I'm at least a little discrete):

"...thinks it is interesting that in 05 Democrats were aghast that GW spent 40 mil on his innaugeration in a time of war. Obama is on track for 150 mil. hmmm."
"...is not unlike Lee Greenwood in the fact that today, she is proud to be an American."
"...is FEELING VERY PATRIOTIC, AND HOPING FOR THE BEST!"
"...is mushy about America."
"...is just happy to be alive today to see this."
"...didn't realize there was going to be a new president. Wasn't George elected King for life?"
"...still can't believe "we" elected a foreign-born Muslim!"
"...wonders if the country will wake up in three months with a hangover and a case of "coyote ugly"

Half of the comments are generically patriotic, the other half are partisan claptrap either anti-liberal or anti-conservative, or specifically anti-Obama vs. anti-Bush. I won't pretend that this is a representative sampling of the public at large. It's just a random sampling of people I know somehow in some way. And it's all either blind hope or senseless venom. Personally, I come down on the side of blind hope, and yet, I take no great comfort in it.

I think, the only thing I'm taking away from this random and scientifically insusbstantial sampling of comments by my facebook friends is that my faith in the ability of Americans to rally together as Americans is dying or dead. Conservatives will be conservatives to the bitter end, as liberals will be liberals, and partisan pants-pissing will forever distract us from governing the nation and ourselves.

Sweet Jesus, prove me wrong. I'm not asking Obama, or Biden, or Bush or Cheney or McCain. I'm asking America, if America is listening.

Crucible Connections - Clam Chowder

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

Don't ever get this comfortable with your coworkers:

________________________________________
From: Guitar Hero
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 8:51 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: rabbit food

There are some snacks in the break room—if you don’t mind catching a rash of health.

-Guitar Hero
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 8:52 AM
To: Guitar Hero
Subject: RE: rabbit food

Is that like VD? Because if it is, you can keep it.
________________________________________
From: Guitar Hero
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 9:43 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: rabbit food

Did you try the snack in there? The dip has less taste than your grandma’s clam chowder.

-Guitar Hero
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 9:44 AM
To: Guitar Hero
Subject: RE: rabbit food

Yeah, I noticed that. It also has less taste than my Gramma’s clam.

Did I actually just type that? And Send it? I mean, doesn’t my keyboard have a “backspace” or “delete” key? Jesus, I’m dumb.

-Dan

Crucible Connections - Lord Dandlemort

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

My secret identity is exposed:

________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: M-Town Mikey; Daniel Morris
Subject: My Scar

So, I have realized a few parallels in my life to Harry Potter’s life. First I have a big nasty scar, albeit mine is on my shoulder and is from surgery not magic, but none the less I have a scar. My scar sometimes itches and sometimes it even hurts, Harry's scar did the same thing. Mine tingles or even becomes painful when Dan is around. Harry's became itchy when Voldermort was accessing his thoughts or when Voldermort was in pain, agony, grief, etc. I think that this parallel is enough evidence to say that Dan may have made me a horcrux when I had my surgery, I am not sure how he did it but he did. Also, I may have to question whether or not we should call Dan “Dandlemort” or just stick with “Dan”? So, Dan I have some questions but I can't ask you via the phone or in person for fear of my scar hurting.

-Bobby Fair Housing

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
To: M-Town Mikey; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: My Scar

1) Call me Dandlemort
2) I killed your anesthesiologist, performed your surgery, and turned you into a horcrux.
3) I like cheese.

________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: Daniel Morris; M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: My Scar

So from now on, I shall call you Dandlemort.
When did you learn to do surgery?
I also like cheese, especially Gorgonzola and Havarti.

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
To: M-Town Mikey; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: My Scar

I never learned to do surgery; I just know how, for I am Lord Dandlemort. By the way, I should probably tell you, when I did your surgery, I just kinda cut your shoulder open, jiggled some stuff around to make it look like something was different, and sewed it back up. For all my talk about “for I am Lord Dandlemort,” I’m not a surgeon, dude. So, like, you might actually want to go back to your doctor at some point and ask him to take a few x-rays or something. I mean, your shoulder probably isn’t right. Like, probably definitely. I spilled a little of my beer in there, and I didn’t wear gloves or anything. And, not that I really remember all that clearly because I was kinda buzzed, but I think I stuffed a bunch of polyfill into you. But I did spray a bunch of Fabulous Blaster on the joint to, like, get it all clean and lubed. I did do that.

Boy, um, this is just kinda getting worse and worse, isn’t it?

Hey, nuts to this. I am Lord Dandlemort! I make no apologies or excuses! Fear me and the tingle I bring to your scar!

Like, Rock On and stuff.

-Dan

________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: M-Town Mikey; Daniel Morris
Subject: RE: My Scar

You should have put some Great Stuff in there, that stuff works well.
-Bobby Fair Housing

Crucible Connections - Foul Drink Authority

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

Energy Drinks: how I used to survive the office.

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:37 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: Foul Drink Authority

I was feeling sluggish this morning, so I stopped at a gas station to buy some coffee or something. They were selling two cans of “Von Dutch” energy drink for $2, the bargain of the century. So I bought two cans. I’m 2/3 done with one can, and I’m all hopped up on goofballs. A co-worker asked me if it was FDA approved, and I responded, “If by FDA you mean Foul Drink Authority” then yes.”
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:17 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority

What’s it taste like?

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:18 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority


It tastes a lot like putrid filth.

________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:21 AM
To: 'Dan Morris'
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority

I love how that narrows it down.

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

Crucible Connections - 'Rheumatiz

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

Another short but very important entry:

________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:18 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE:

Oooh. Hot time in the old town tonight! *awkward pelvic thrust*


M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:21 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE:

I just got a mental image of you as an old man, thrusting your pelvis half sideways and half forward, because you had to relieve the ‘rheumatiz in your hip.


________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:27 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE:

That’s like some psychic shit, dude, because that’s the mental image I was trying to project.

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

Crucible Connections - Active Drug Use, Insulin, and 12 year olds

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

I don't even know what to say about this one. Maybe just that I'm not right in the head.

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:27 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

I’m going to replace an important word in our vocabulary, for the moment, with the word “active”.

Yesterday and today I have been so freakin’ “active”.

Like, every fifteen seconds, all I can think about is how “active” I am.

I’m so “active” that it would be unwise (for appearances) to do much walking.

Oh, by the way, Bobby is not working today due to his insulin pump training so I took his email off the chain.

I wonder if he’s feeling “active” today as well. If so, it’s not by my doing.


________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:30 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

Oh! Insulin pump training! He can put that on his resume. I was at my sister’s birthday party in Berwyn and this girl came up to the door with a wad of bills in her hands and asked if she could buy a diabetic syringe for her friend. At first we were all freaked out because we thought she was a junkie, but then we realized that she was just a stupid person with a stupid friend who didn’t plan ahead enough to bring her insulin syringes anywhere.


M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:32 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

That’s pretty stupid. Did your sister have a supply of syringes? Because that would be odd.

________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:38 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

No, she didn’t. And there was a Walgreens like five blocks away. She could’ve walked over there. I was thinking that since a lot of my sister’s friends are really hip and cool and skinny that she thought we were all heroin addicts, but that’s just a theory.


M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:41 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

Yeah, but would you really want to use a syringe from a heroin addict for your insulin? That’s more dumb than not bringing the syringe with you in the first place.

Also, my level of “activity” is making it difficult for me to concentrate. I’m thinking about getting a bowlful of ice cubes.
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:42 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

Whoa whoa whoa…what do you mean be active? LOL  BFF!


M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:47 AM
To: 'M-Town Mikey'; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

HAHA! Best friends forever. That’s AWESOME.

I always wanted to be a twelve year old girl.

Wait, something about that sounds unwholesome. Perhaps what I mean to say is when I was twelve I always wanted to be a girl.

No. That’s worse.

Um.

BFF! ☻UR2GR8!

I think I might have to vomit now.