Crucible Connections: On The Road explained.

This is why my friend M Town Mikey grounds me. He can put my words in order when I get so frustrated with something that I can't spit anything out.

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From: Daniel Morris
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Just for you

On the Road made so mad. MAKES me so mad. What is it about that book that was so special? What the heck? Why do so many people live in awe of it and Kerouac? There’s nothing in there! Nothing! Neal Cassady sweats a lot, they're all assholes, and then it ends. Pointless, meaningless, insubstantial claptrap. A vapid, sanctimonious exploration of pure and loathsome nihilism.

What did I miss? Seriously, what did I miss that’s so substantial that Kerouac is taught as the savior of American literature?

-Dan

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From: M-Town Mikey
To: Daniel Morris
Subject: RE: Just for you

I don't know that it's accurate to say that Kerouac is taught as the savior of American literature. The only people I've known who really LOVE Kerouac are unrealistic. It's not fair nor accurate to call them naive or innocent, but I have always regarded them as... magical thinkers, I guess.

I have never taken a Kerouac course. However, I could totally see such a course going like this:

Professor: Welcome to Kerouac and On the Road. In this class we'll discuss how two world wars and the resulting military-industrial complex so traumatized our nation that people came to believe that this piece of shit On the Road represents...something.

Student: You mean it isn't any good?

Professor: Just read, okay?

Student reads the book.

Student: Wow...

Professor: I know, right? It's a total piece of shit.

-M-Town Mikey

GNC is a bunch of filthy, scum liars.

A few months back, my roommate got strep throat, on top of a bad respiratory infection/flu type thing. And this thing lingered. Not wanting to catch The Dreaded Lurgi, I spent $29.00 on GNC's house-blend immune system booster, which the kindly Macedonian gentleman behind the counter guaranteed would make me, "Strong like bull, beautiful like tractor."

I took two of those capsules a day, every day, so I could stay healthy. Yes, I took two of them a day just like the bottle said, not on an empty stomach, drinking plenty of water, and do you know why I stopped? I stopped because after a week and half, I got hit with Lurgi Force 10, and was sick non-stop for a freakin' month.

I figured at the time that the sickness had already gotten a hold of me before I started taking GNC's fine brew. I find out now, no, GNC's fine brew is encapsulated bullshit. Because once again, my roommate has brought home the Lurgi, and from the moment he started to complain of feeling unwell, I popped the top on those bad boys and started huffing them down like Kim Kardashian with a tray of morning after pills. I'm going on vacation Saturday. I'm NOT getting sick.

Haha! WRONG! AGAIN! The Lurgi is now flowing from my bowels and seeping from my olfactory crevices. And with it, I'm sure, several grams of corn syrup and food dye masquerading as $29.00 worth of immune system boosting agents.

I'm so going to go sneeze on that Macedonian guy.

Cracked

I cracked yesterday. I was on the phone with Comcast, because I was interested in upgrading my cable so's I can enjoy the NHL playoffs in delicious digital HD. In speaking with the friendly and helpful service person on Comcast's end (this must've been an aberration; most of the time, Comcast phone customer service people are surly, rude, and ignorant of their own services and policies), I learned that it would be an extra $60 per month to add the digital starter package and an HD box, plus installation fees.

Now, on the website, this same package is $29.99 a month. With free installation. For new customers only. I asked if I could get that deal, and found out that not even an agreement with Satan himself could secure it.

My inner 60-year-old came out to play, and I snapped on the one and only friendly and helpful Comcast staffer in the world. I felt bad about it afterward, but my head may have popped like a water balloon had I not.

I said, verbatim, "You know what, screw this. I'm so f***ing tired of cable companies and wireless companies and every other service I subscribe to caring 100% more about new subscribers than me." This is where he interrupted me, but I just kept talking over him. "You want to charge me literally 100% more than a new customer because I've been stupid enough to loyally pay Comcast every month for the past five years."

I've got no excuses, and I won't pretend. I'm old. Maybe not in age, but in mind. These darn kids and their subscriber packages. Why are new subscribers more important to these companies? Why's it OK for them to lose money on new subscribers, but it's not OK to cut existing subscribers any slack? Why do I have to pay an $18 upgrade fee to AT&T Wireless when I renew my contract and get a new phone? Why does my cable bill go up every three months even though channels disappear? Why is it when I want to UPGRADE any services to either of these companies (read: give them more money every month), there are always service fees that go along with it that I wouldn't be paying if I wasn't so foolish as to be loyal.

I get so mad just thinking about it...anyway, I feel bad about yesterday because I ruined that dude's day for no good reason. It's not his fault he works for fiscal rapists. It's not his fault I'm a technology addict.

Point is, anyone know how to steal cable? Because I don't want to give ANY of these people my money anymore.

Facebook Fans

So, wow, I've got Facebook fans. 31 of them. That's pretty darn cool.

I'll be doing another stand up set tonight. Stay tuned. Because tonight's set doesn't hinge on the line "Babies don't have money." Or some subtle reference to improper uses of deli shaved ham.

My Facebook Fan Page

Midway Games: Bonuses of Bankruptcy

Take a look at this.

Midway Games, filing for bankruptcy, selling off any assets of value, firing thousands, and paying out executive bonuses.

So far, we've seen this behavior from credit institutions, banks, manufacturing...any industry touched by the recession. Now, even video game companies. I understand in rough times, companies must downsize. But if the company is going to downsize while allowing the executives who led them confidently towards failure to receive bonuses, my faith in free market economics is officially murdered.

Bonuses?! BONUSES?! You get a damn bonus when the company is profitable. If you're filing for bankruptcy, you don't deserve a damned bonus. But the people who worked creatively and devotedly for you certainly deserve their paycheck and, if need be, their severence and PTO payouts. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I wish this was the only story like this, but from AIG to Wachovia to GM to blah blah blah, bailed-out and bankrupted companies are paying out billions of dollars in bonuses while putting literally millions of people out of work around the world. The one silver lining on this story is that Midway isn't paying bonuses out of taxpayer money from bailouts.

Slimey, scheming, scum bastards. Screw begging your pardon, if this is capitalism and free market economics in action, color me socialist or communist or anything BUT capitalist. My trust in the individual is no more.

Holiday Inn City Center Peoria

Perhaps I'm a snob, perhaps I'm being picky, but, I sent this message to the hotel general manager:

Let me begin by saying that I have found the staff at the Holiday Inn City Center Peoria to be helpful and professional beyond reproach. They are all well-mannered and courteous. I appreciate the many complimentary services, including wireless internet and parking.

Unfortunately, for the $118.00 a night plus 11.5% tax I am spending during my stay here, the accommodations are shocking. Shocking is a strong term, and I wouldn't use it if I was not, indeed, shocked and appalled by the state of my room. The bathroom seems to have suffered through some sort of serious event. Joint tape on the ceiling in the shower is peeling and hanging loose. The shower head fixture has pulled away from the wall, the seal formed by the caulk broken. Baseboard trim behind the toilet seems to have been hastily applied in hopes of masking some sort of damage. When I sit on the toilet, it shifts precariously. It took twenty-five minutes for the water in the shower to become luke-warm enough to bathe in tolerably, and then suddenly became scalding hot as I was applying my shampoo.

Beyond the bathroom, one of the table legs on the desk is broken, enough so that I wouldn't want to put any weight on it. The weather seal around the window in the room is barely intact, and bleeds the cold winter air from outside.

When I booked my stay, I was not expecting accommodations of opulence and luxury. I was, however, expecting a well maintained room in which I could comfortably perform my daily ablutions. The price of this stay is by no means a bargain. It is a fee that demands a certain standard which has not been met. It is a shame that the dedicated and helpful staff here, which does indeed include you, will never, ever receive my business again.

Yours with extreme disappointment and dissatisfaction,
-Daniel Morris
Room 303

Me and My Stand Up

So this is what I do. And dream about. And stuff.

Recently:


Second Stand Up from Daniel Morris on Vimeo.
http://vimeo.com/3391290 for those of you on Facebook, because the embedded video won't get imported into my notes.


Previously:


Dan does stand up from Daniel Morris on Vimeo.
http://vimeo.com/3292963 again, for the facebook people.

Helpful Devices

I saw this on a coworker's desk today:



My immediate thought was that it must be one of those new Mr. Popeil Executive Enemas, for when you just don't have the time to leave your cubicle. I was completely wrong. But do you know what it is? I'd like to know your thoughts.

This particular Dunkin' Donuts can eat me

There's a restaurant in my building called Ponte Fresco. Before I started this wacky vegetarian thing (which...my God, I haven't pooped like this since I was an infant...), I used to go to Ponte Fresco every Friday morning and buy a large coffee and a ham egg and cheese croissant. It was the best breakfast sandwich available within a fifteen minute walk, and that's saying a lot.

This morning, I walked into Ponte Fresco, because it was time to eat some meat. I'm not doing this vegetarian thing for moral reasons, just health. And I've been eating so healthy lately, filling my belly with okra and tofu and celery and pinto beans, that I could scarf down an entire flash-fried buffalo and, as long as I ate a Fiber One bar afterward, suffer no ill effects. I craved that ham egg and cheese croissant, jonesed for it. First time in over a month.

Of course, wouldn't you know it, they don't make it anymore. Which not only sucks but also makes me feel guilty. With my switch to oatmeal and fruit plates, was I the only one supporting the Croissant program at Ponte Fresco? Did I contribute to the decline and fall of an institution near and dear to my heart (indeed, clogging my heart from the inside)? Yes, yes I did, and now it's gone forever.

At this point, did I just buy a bowl of oatmeal and cave in to the healthy lifestyle? No. No I did not. But I should have. Instead, I walked down to Dunkin' Donuts, and ordered an extra large coffee and a bacon, egg, and cheese Waffle Sandwich. With the order came the discovery that when frequenting this particular establishment, I can fairly assume that I'd be wise to stick with the eponymous Donuts.

Take two Eggo waffles, shrink them by 40%, and betwixt them, put some scrambled egg that's been in the freezer, and a few strips of vulcanized rubber in the shape and color of bacon and cheese. Dip the whole thing in luke warm water, microwave for forty five seconds. Wrap it in paper and stand around for fifteen minutes, to simulate the completely incomprehensible wait at the actual shop. That would be a fair facsimile of the Waffle Sandwich experience.

Furthermore, I'm assuming since everyone who goes into Dunkin' orders their coffee with cream and sugar, they brew it extra weak so as not to offend. I taste nothing that even remotely resembles coffee. I taste hot water. Perhaps a hint of chickory. But coffee? No sir.

Also, I need someone to explain to me the deal with coffee lids at Dunkin'. What's with the completely removeable tab on the top? What purpose does it serve? It doesn't anger me...just completely confounds me. WHY DOES THIS THING COME OFF? Is it for ninjas who need an emergency shuriken? What's the deal?

Next time I feel like breaking the diet, I will remember this. And, no, I won't order oatmeal instead. I'll do the sensible thing, walk down to McDonald's, and get a McGriddle.

A Video, which if you're a nerd like me, you'll enjoy:

What the hell is happening to me?

The other day, I'm driving to the local Home Depot. Turning off my street onto the main road, I notice a guy walking down the street on the shoulder, dressed in black. It's about 8:00 at night, and the first thing I think is, "Goddammit, why are there always people walking here? And why are they always wearing black walking on the shoulder of a main road at night?"

I started to get all worked up, the way I do, zero to cranked in about two seconds flat. Stupid people tempting me to murder them with my car. Don't they know I'm not stable, don't they know I've got a Polish temper, don't they know all it would take is a little nudge to tip me over a psychotic break?

Just as my temper is about to reach the flashpoint, a new thought crosses my mind: "Wait a second...there's always people walking here...why isn't there a sidewalk?"

You'd think the village would provide a safe artery for pedestrian traffic. How much could it possibly cost the village to build five blocks of sidewalk? To be fair, I don't think there have been that many pedestrian casualties on that stretch of road. But does that mean the village should wait until there are to lay down some concrete slab?

My village is a low income community where many people use public transportation, which they have to walk to. It would only make sense that there be sidewalks. And don't start with the "who's going to pay for it" crap. I've worked maintenance and construction. It wouldn't break the village.

I used to ride my bike along that stretch of road to the train station, and I stopped and started driving because I got clipped by rear view mirrors every day. Never injured, but scared shitless many times. Having had that experience, why did I immediately get mad at the pedestrian? Because drivers think they own the road, and no one else, cylists, pedestrians, hell, even motorcyclists, should be allowed fair passage. I know this, because I am a driver, but I'm one of those rare drivers who also occasionally walks, rides a bike, and a motorcycle.

I guess what I'm getting at is, next time you're driving and you get pissed off because someone's on a bike or walking on the shoulder, take a couple of steps to become reasonable again. A) Read the rules of the road (in illinois, bicycles have the same road rights as automobiles). B) Take a walk or a bike ride once you park your car for a little perspective.

Gosh, I'm such a party pooper these days.