Seven Minute Haiku

How many haiku can I write in seven minutes?

face punching badass
I am not so much, but then,
really, few men are

I'm sorry I'm fat
it's just kind of my hobby
Twinkies are tasty

I just read a book
About Abraham Lincoln
I am such a nerd

In college, I lacked
direction and good purpose
Really, I still do

Seven minutes speeds
quickly by on the timer
I could be working...

Baseball on TV
reminds me to do laundry
both take a long time

One more short minute
and my haiku writing
will gladly be done.

Well, that was great.

Seven Minute Blog: Cheerios

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I am painfully aware of how much the world has changed since my childhood every time I go grocery shopping and see that there are 10 different styles of Cheerios as opposed to just one.

I want to believe this is progress, but deep down inside, it just makes me more prone to believe I'll end up soothing my once glimmering, freedom-loving soul with bromides from Ann Coulter and Glenn Beck tricking me into believing that My Country was once a more wholesome and righteous land, but has been utterly corrupted by the French and liberals and youth, miserably drinking myself to death with expensive bourbons and whiskies, sitting in a leather chair in a darkened parlor beneath a gun rack and a Don't Tread on Me flag.

But I'll be old and near death, and it'll be OK that my ideals and love for John Stewart and cultural acceptance have been long-since abandoned. And Cheerios will no longer cause me existential crises.

Seven Minute Blog: Movies that make me emotional

I have seven minutes to write a blog, and what you're going to get is a list of movies that make me emotional. It's not a top five or top ten, because I don't have the kind of time I'd need to prioritize. So here are the ones that occur to me right now:

• Once
  This movie is stark, raving humanity. Two people broken down by life happening to them, struggling to find a way in general life. There's romantic tension between the two leads, who don't even have names in the film, but as the tension between the two of them builds to a head, you discover that the tension is actually not between the two of them, but between them and their lost loves in the past. Also, it's a non-conventional musical, and the music is outstanding.
  
  
• The Graduate
  I just really identified with Ben Braddock when I was in my early twenties. And Anne Bancroft planted the seed of America's current cougar obsession.
  
  
• My Neighbor Totoro
  Miyazaki has this ability to synthesize complex social commentary and existentialist angst
  into stunning fanatasies that mesmerize.

All right, my time is up. I've actually written for ten minutes instead of seven, so I broke my own rule.

Resolute

Imagine that I'm singing this list of resolutions as I play a tune on a lute. It would be my Reso-lute.

In 2010, I'll chase these things:

1) Sell my house
2) "Make it" in comedy
3) Stop being awkward
4) Work the phrase "n'est plus ultra" into 70% of my conversations.
5) Swim to Tahiti
6) Shake a baby
7) Hunt, kill and eat a Pygmy
8) Intro every set I do with, "Hello, Ft. Lauderdale!"
9) Move somewhere else, Like Montreal or Swaziland
10) Drink the chicken juice
11) Starve a giraffe
12) Instigate the official Third Defenestration of Prague
13) Instill a healthy triskaidekaphobia in anyone named "Big Glasses Matt"
14) Get a tattoo of the back of my head on my face
15) Whenever someone introduces themselves to me, say, "Huh...you look like more of a Susan."
16) ...stop being awkward...
17) Sing "Moon River" whenever I'm at a urinal
18) Spend three weeks in the Lincoln bedroom before anyone notices I'm there
19) Teach an entire generation to say "spigot" instead of "velveteen"
20) something something something smoke pot something something
21) Fraudulently practice contract law
22) Learn to snore more loudly
23) Split all of my infinitives
24) Design an engine powered by spite
25) Grow a sixth toe on my left foot
26) Discuss my sweat glands with complete strangers
27) Wear ugly sweaters
28) Make obscure and esoteric references in a very general way
29) Introduce myself with an inappropriate level of intimacy
30) Perform the sign of the cross after shaking hands
31) STOP BEING AWKWARD
32) Say "Rock 'n Roll!" instead of "goodbye"
33) Clip only ever other fingernail
34) Turn "persimmon" into a verb
35) Name a cat "Lloyd"
36) Fight for pickle suffrage
37) Fire my underpants for insubordination
38) Drink a daily tonic of apple cider vinegar and tapioca
39) Apply for Micronesian citizenship
40) Claim my collected bowel movements as dependents on my tax return
41) Ask everyone who crosses within three yards of me, "May I have this dance?"
42) Screw it. Go ahead and be awkward.