Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Crucible Connections - Underoos

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

An incredibly short exchange, but well worth posting:

________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 7:34 AM
To: S. Utahraptor
Cc: Bobby Fair Housing; Dan Morris
Subject: Good Morning!

Good Morning, people! Are we going to change the world today?

No. I didn’t even change my underoos.

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:21 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Cc: Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

Whatever happened to underoos? I used to have fire truck underoos.

________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:22 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Cc: Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

They started making them for hipster girls.

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

Downer's Grove

I'm interrupting the Crucible Connections series for some of my own banter. It's my blog and I get to schedule the programming how I wish.

The city of Chicago has a suburb called Downer's Grove. This town used to be home to a Sears Outlet Store before there were such things as Outlet Malls. At the beginning and middle of every school year, my mom would herd my brother and I together, and we'd head to Downer's Grove for clothes shopping.

Because i was five, six, seven years old, I had some irrational fears. Specifically pertaining to Downer's Grove, I was terrified of the place. Why? Because I thought that's where they kept everyone who had Down Syndrome, and I didn't want to catch it. Yeah, I know, you can't catch Down Syndrome. Try to explain that to a six year old. We'd drive into town, and I'd duck below the window line of the car, I'd fight with my mom when we got to the Sears because I didn't want to get out, I'd scream exactly like the little bastard that I was. The worst was the time I actually saw a kid who had Down's at the Sears Outlet.

ANYWAY, there's a reason I'm posting this. Not because it's funny, which you gotta admit, it kind of is, and not to make myself look bad, which it kind of does. I'm posting this because two people you may be familiar with after the first (and hopefully perennial) Crucible Connections series, M-Town Mikey and Bobby Fair Housing don't believe it. They think it's some sort of elaborate ploy. The inroads to my secret and cunningly insidious plan to lure them into my cult of personality, I guess.

M-Town Mikey doesn't believe that a six year old would even know about Down Syndrome. Clearly, I didn't know all that much about it because I was terrified I was going to catch it. But I knew it existed. Which is too hard to believe.

Bobby Fair Housing thinks it's a stretch that a six-year-old would come up with it on their own. Maybe, he suggests, it would be easier to believe if my brother or father told me that to scare me. Apparently, six-year-olds are incapable of abstract thought. I suppose this is possibly a legitimate point.

Whatever the case may be, it's true, and I'm still kind of scared of Downer's Grove, and I'm about to turn 30. So, like, that's that. Although, my cult of personality is open to anyone who wants to join.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Crucible Connections - Craponade and Science

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

Perspectives on scientific research:

From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:01 PM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Sleep

Well, your initial assertion could be seen as making the best out of a bad situation, or, scientifically, ‘making craponade.’ If the only reasonable course of action is not liking people, you shift your perspectives so that you enjoy not liking people. The risk, of course, is that you dislike people unnecessarily.

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

---------------------------------------------------------------------------


From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:02 PM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Sleep

Well, I do dislike a lot of people.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:03 PM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Sleep

See? That’s what the scientists call “Making Craponade.”

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:08 PM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Sleep

By “Scientists” do you mean dumpster-humping homeless people?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:08 PM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Sleep

No!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:09 PM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Sleep

Oh. Then what do you mean?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:10 PM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Sleep

You know, scientists, man. With goggles and lab coats and monsters in the big castles in Eastern Europe. Scientists.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:12 PM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Sleep

Oh! Scientists! I see now. Our ideas of study design and implementation must be very different.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:13 PM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Sleep

What do you mean?

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:15 PM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Sleep

Well, when you envision scientists testing a hypothesis, you see lab coats and goggles and steaming, frothy beakers. Me, I see a couple homeless dudes hopping in a dumpster and taking care of business until they achieve substantial, measurable results.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:16 PM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Sleep

Hm. That explains so much more than just this recent confusion over the meaning of scientists.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, September 18, 2006 1:18 PM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Sleep

Clearly. The advancement of science has been and will continue to be a struggle.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Crucible Connections - Return on Investment

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

A professional exchange between coworkers.

From: Dan Morris
Sent: Wednesday, July 26, 2006 9:24 AM
To: Pickles
Subject: RE:

Dear Sir,

Your recent proposal of a professional trade agreement in which Daniel Morris and Associates rhythmically strikes the culmination of the hyperbola of your cranium, in return for which Pickles Partners Incorporated delivers a mighty foot-based wallop unto the delicates of Daniel Morris and Associates, is regrettably denied. Thorough analysis of the cost/benefit ratio reveals that the benefits of rhythmic cranial tapping are outweighed egregiously by the costs involved with sumpteresque kicks to the groin. In terms of Return on Investment, projections indicate only a 5% profit margin on a proportional investment of 6000%.

Pickles Partners Inc. is invited to make a more equitable counter-offer, however, at this time and under current conditions, Daniel Morris and Associates must reject the current proposal.

Cheers,
-Daniel Tiberius Fennster-Obelthwaite Hironimus Jennings , Esquire.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Pickles
Sent: Wednesday, July 26, 2006 9:31 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE:

In response to your ruling on said trade agreement, herein referred to as the “Pact,” Pickles Partners Inc. would like to extend a counter-offer in lieu of the imbalance of said previous Pact. Pickles Partners Inc. maintains its requirements of walloping the delicates of Daniel Morris and Associates, in exchange for which Daniel Morris and Associates will be granted the right to rhythmically strike the culmination of the hyperbola of my cranium AND will receive one free paper clip, the size of which will be determined by the legal team of Pickles Partners Inc. and will be bestowed upon Daniel Morris & Associates at a time and place left to the discretion of said legal team.

Sincerely,

-Pickles
Public Relations & Marketing Coordinator

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

From: Dan Morris
Sent: Wednesday, July 26, 2006 9:38 AM
To: Pickles
Subject: RE:

At this time, Daniel Morris & Associates must unfortunately suspend negotiations. Though it is understandable that Pickles Partners Inc. places no higher value on the delicates of Daniel Morris & Associates than that of an indiscriminate paperclip, it must be understood that Daniel Morris & Associates holds said delicates in much higher esteem, early and often as the case may be. In all candor, they are presently being held. In high esteem.

- Dan Morris
Marketing and Advertising Sales Coordinator

Friday, December 26, 2008

Crucible Connections - Magical Super Jesus

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

Quite possibly the email that solidified my place in my boss's shit bowl at the magazine.

From: Dan Morris
Sent: Friday, May 05, 2006 8:41 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: Yech

Out of habit, I just grabbed my coffee mug and took a slug…of watery, flat orange soda I didn’t finish before I left work yesterday.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Friday, May 05, 2006 8:48 AM
To: Dan Morris; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: Yech

You might say ‘yech,’ but you mean ‘yuck.’

-M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Friday, May 05, 2006 8:53 AM
To: M-Town Mikey; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: Yech

No, I’m feeling Yiddish today.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Friday, May 05, 2006 8:59 AM
To: Dan Morris; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: Yech

You should go to your boss and throw the orange soda at him and say “I can’t work under these conditions! I’m just a man, like other men! I’m not some kind of magical super Jesus!” and when he gets mad at you for throwing the orange soda at him you say “Don’t be unreasonable!” and then you start singing a spiritual and when you get to the ‘Let My People Go’ part you shake your jazz hands, and when you get fired you say ‘You can’t fire me!’ and while everyone is waiting for you to say ‘I quit!’ you take out a giant electromagnet and run around the office and erase all the hard drives.

-M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Crucible Connections - Indian Food Backfire

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

A standard lunch invitation for Dan. Nevermind that none of the people on the invite list worked within fifty miles of me.

-----Original Message-----
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 8:46 AM
To: Bobby Fair Housing ; M-Town Mikey; S. Utahraptor
Subject: Re: Lunch?

Hey, you guys wanna do lunch today? There's a killer Indian place by my office that does a lunch buffet for $8 including drinks! They've got killer Lamb Vindaloo. And they weren't offended when I did the lightbulb twisting dance last time I was there.

So who's in?
-Dan

-----Original Message-----
From: Bobby Fair Housing
Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 8:46 AM
To: Dan Morris; M-Town Mikey; S. Utahraptor
Subject: Re: Lunch?

Uh, I can't I already have plans to go to the harbor with Heidi and Juan. Sorry about that.

-Bobby Fair Housing
Case Manager

-----Original Message-----
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 8:48:26 AM
To: Dan Morris; Bobby Fair Housing ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: Re: Lunch?

Actually, Indian food always makes me feel better. Indian weddings are even better.

-M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

-----Original Message-----
From: Bobby Fair Housing
Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 9:13 AM
To: Dan Morris; M-Town Mikey; S. Utahraptor
Subject: Re: Lunch?

Look dude not to sound mean but I always have this argument with people. I will eat most anything, but Indian food does not work well for me. There are a few things I enjoy, but typically I don't care for curry and I like larger chunks of food. People always say "come have Indian food with me I know what to get," so to be nice I go with them and have to fake enjoyment to get them to shut up.

-Bobby Fair Housing
Case Manager

-----Original Message-----
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 10:00 AM
To: Bobby Fair Housing ; M-Town Mikey; S. Utahraptor
Subject: Re: Lunch?

Whoa, man. Just calm down. You're shouting. Would you like some mint-jasmine tea?

There, that's better. Calms those jangled nerves, doesn't it? Breathe the aromas, mmmmmmm, soothing, no?

Now take a deep breath, and now breathe out. And come to the realization that I've slipped opiates into your tea, with a sidecar of raw ether.

So content, yes you are. And the sasquatch has such nimble hands that massage your scalp juuusssst riiiight. And the Tuvans, they’ve just begun to sing Redemption Song, and the chords of their baritone throat singing bounce back and forth in between your temples, tickling the sulci and gyri of your brain like ten million tiny little fingers.

Feel the flow, feel your past and future collide in every instant. The carpet is moving, but slowly. Relax, let it take you to the curling fields. Take your broom, dust the ice in a leisurely fashion. Sasquatch will throw the iron.

Take another sip of tea. Grasp this moment and forgive my indiscretion. And then tango with the Tuvans, they know how to dance, man!

-----Original Message-----
From: Bobby Fair Housing
Sent: Wednesday, May 03, 2006 10:12 AM
To: Dan Morris; M-Town Mikey; S. Utahraptor
Subject: Re: Lunch?

...I don't like Indian food, OK?

-Bobby Fair Housing
Case Manager

Monday, December 22, 2008

Crucible Connections - Meatcake

In the past, and I stress in the past (because people I work with now read this blog), my friends and I have treated Outlook more like an instant messaging application. Sometimes, our conversations are what make us productive and keep us sane. Typically, the more insane the conversation, the more sanity maintained in the office. At least for me, I can't speak for my friends.

Anyway, I've decided to post a series of real, actual work e-mail exchanges between others and me during my time at a certain magazine which will remain un-named because the editor of said magazine is the kind of prick who would baselessly sue me for rights violations, and I don't have the wherewithal for litigation. So, let's see, I'll call this series "Crucible Connections" for professional reasons.

I will also conspicuously rename certain people, as I have not discussed posting these conversations publicly with them. On to the conversations!

Number one: Meatcake

-----Original Message-----
From: Bobby Fair Housing
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 11:27 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: GRRR

I didn't get the job and now I am sad:(
-Bob

Bobby Fair Housing
Case Manager

-----Original Message-----
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 11:30 AM
To: Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: GRRR

Oh man. Sorry to hear, man. If you'd like, I could make you a cake.

-----Original Message-----
From: Bobby Fair Housing
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 11:42 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: GRRR

make sure it is a loser cake with a sad face on it.

Bobby Fair Housing
Case Manager

-----Original Message-----
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Tuesday, April 04, 2006 11:57 AM
To: Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: GRRR

How about a meatloaf that looks like a cake with a sad face on it, so you're cheery because you think you're getting sad-face cake, but then you take a bite and find out that it's actually cold meatloaf instead of cake, and then you start crying because you realize that life is nothing but a whole bunch of unexpected and unpleasant surprises, so much so that you end up eating crappy meatloaf when you're expecting cake. And the frosting on the meatloaf isn't even vanilla, it's just congealed grease. And then, while you're still crying, you open up your mail, and after sifting through the bills that will most likely NEVER get paid in full (which really don't even bother you anymore because you're already far too broken as a human being to care), you find a single postcard, with no return address on it, and it just says, "God hates you. And so do His good friends Buddha, Siva, Ganesha, and even His not so good friend Zoroaster." And there are signatures underneath from all of the above, except Zoroaster, that jerk. He just puts a Mr. Yuk face with an X after it. And now, my friend, now you're bawling like a freshly circumcised infant boy. So you take another bite of the meatloaf cake, which you've forgotten is meatloaf, and you get that gooey congealed grease in between your teeth, and you try to drink some soda to wash it down, but the liquid just beads off of your tongue because of all the grease...

And that's when things really start to get ugly, because that cold sore you've been tending to on the bottom right side of your lip cracks and bursts and oozes all over the place, and Ed McMahon rings the doorbell to tell you you've just won a million dollars, but he takes one look at your pathetic visage and makes a brief excuse about coming to the wrong door and how he was actually looking for "32...NORTH Kennedy...NORTH, not SOUTH," but he does hand you a fin and tells you to go buy some Herpecin for that "souvenir" on your lip. Live on Camera, mind you.

So, anyway, point is, have dinner ready for me when I get home. I want roast beef. And get my laundry done while you're at it.

-Dan

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

1986

In 1986, I was seven years old, a precocious teacher's pet at St. Pascal's elementary school near Portage Park in Chicago. I'm guessing at seven years old, I would've been in the second or third grade. All of these details are immaterial. What is material is that 1986, for other reasons independant of Dan, was awesome.

Was it the music that made it awesome? Some of the year's top songs:

  • Walk Like an Egyptian: The Bangles (come on, you know you spent the better part of 1986 walking around like a hieroglyph, at least if you were old enough to be walking around in 1986)

  • Kiss: Prince & The Revolution (yeah, that's right--the revolution was going strong in 1986)

  • Rock Me Amadeus: Falco (Rock me fuckin' Amadeus, ok?)

  • Conga: Miami Sound Machine (Any list that has Miami Sound Machine on it is a list I am a fan of)

  • Venus: Bananarama (She's got it. And it's not a leg razor.)

  • Walk This Way: Run-D.M.C. (The original and best rap rock fusion.)


OK, so on the merits of this list of top 100-ish songs of 1986, the year was not all that remarkable. But the world does not begin and end with music. It begins and ends with movies. I'm going to skip over any notable events in 1986, and jump right to the most important, most relevant bit to this discussion. Two movies came out in 1986, movies that benchmark American Cinema: The Golden Child and Big Trouble in Little China. Many things about both films are legendary. But one thing, one woven muslin thread ties the two together in a significant fashion:

Both Victor Wong and James Hong appear in both films. Don't worry; if you don't immediately know who these guys are, a little bit of time on IMDB will refresh your memory. Because these two fine gentleman are to Chinese American cinema what Pat Morita is to Japanese American cinema. Or what Brad Pitt is to white American cinema. These guys are (or were in the case of Vic) hot shit. They've left their glamorous finger prints all over pop culture. For instance, "Seinfeld, four!"

Let's reiterate that simply and clearly. 1986. Victor Wong and James Hong. Starring Roles. Two movies. It's like Hollywood Serendipity. It's like Cary Grant and Rock Hudson playing opposite each other in two films in the same year. And doing it. To each other. Multiple times. That's how important this is. At least to nerds like me.

Yeah, there were other actors in both movies, but really, none of them were all that important. And none of them overlapped, either.

Freakin' 1986. It won't ever get better than that.

P.S.--just for the record, some other notable movies from 1986, which solidify it's place in historical awesomeness:


  • Top Gun

  • Platoon

  • Aliens

  • Ferris Bueller's Day Off



And just for fun, some stuff that happened in 1986, contributing to awesome memoribility:

  • January 19 - The first PC virus, Brain, starts to spread.

  • January 28 - Space Shuttle Challenger disintegrates, killing the crew of 7 astronauts including schoolteacher Christa McAuliffe.

  • April 21 - Geraldo Rivera opens Al Capone's secret vault on The Mystery of Al Capone's Vault, discovering only a bottle of moonshine.

  • April 26 - Cher-fuckin-nobyl

  • May 25 - Hands Across America. Not remembering Hands Across America is like not remembering We Are The World

  • November 3 - Iran Contra Affair breaks into the news



Nerdly Fact pertaining to 1986:

  • Grand Theft Auto: Vice City is set in 1986.

Friday, December 12, 2008

The Schytts

Swedish dance bands of the seventies are awesome. That's why i'm the front man for The Schytts. Seriously, I'm totally The Schytt.

Familiarity and Creepiness

I have a tendency to approach people in one of two ways upon first meeting them:

A) With an unprecedented level of familiarity, as if I'm greeting an old friend rather than a stranger.
B) Quietly, guarded and damn near standoffish.

It's about fifty-fifty which approach I go with. Option A typically has good results, but also has a strong creep factor. As in, on occasion, the person I'm being introduced to immediately identifies me as a date rapist. Option B results in the impression that I'm either boring or sociopathic, which is great if I'm not feeling sociable.

In any case, Option A is typically my choice in one-on-one encounters or massive parties, while Option B is my choice for small gatherings. So maybe the ratio is closer to seventy-thirty in favor of Option A usage. Whatever. I'm babbling, and you're about to stop reading if you haven't already. Moving on.

Back in "the day" (before I was a recluse disdaining of human contact, and maintained a wardrobe that wasn't publicly shameful), Option A led to some awkward encounters with friends and girlfriends. Id est, I'd go to a party with someone, become the center of attention, and people at the party would ask, "Who's that (girl, dude, livestock, flora, fauna, etc.) who came with Dan?" People who had never before met me, who were friends of the person who brought me as a guest. Keep in mind, Option A is really nothing more than a defense mechanism--it's like disarming an enemy before they know they're an enemy.

I lost lots of friends and girlfriends (well, girls I was dating anyway) that way. By becoming the center of attention, stealing their thunder, whatever. Apparently, that kind of thing doesn't go over. A close friend of mine once stopped hanging out with me for two months because he felt like I was constantly throwing him into my shadow. A girl I was dating stopped talking to me for a week because we drove up to Chicago from Peoria (where I was living at the time) to meet some people she'd befriended on the internet. The whole drive up, I'm asking her what the hell am I supposed to do, how am I supposed to act, who are these people and why are we meeting them again...and then we get there and she introduces herself, I introduce myself, the others introduce themselves, and then silence. So, more out of boredom, I go nuclear with Option A, and before long I'm visiting with these people and m'lady's sitting quietly in the corner. Even when I turn to her to bring her in, she sits and shrugs at most. Then, during the silent car ride back to Peoria, there's a brief tirade about how I'm an attention whore.

I think, actually, that's how I developed Option B. The surly guy in the corner steals no thunder.

Ostensibly, I'm a conceited fuck. The proof is that I just wrote a blog about how once upon a time I was too popular. And I won't deny I'm an attention whore. However, the reality of it is that I was situationally popular. I was "Dan" in the moment, but "that guy" the next morning. And, let's not forget despite my convenient lack of focus on the issue, frequently the creep factor exceeded FDA guidelines for healthy intake.

I think my next post should be about all of the humiliating, degrading things I've done while trying to impress people. Like the time I pierced my ear with a toothpick, or, well, the list is pretty long. I've often confused "laughing with" and "laughing at," let's just settle on that point.

That ought to bring me down a notch. Good lord, this post is nonsense.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

The insecure and defenseless

I'm lazy today, and, well, in general. I don't have much to say, other than very little brings as much joy to my heart as attacking the insecure and defenseless with laserbeam wit. It makes every day more enjoyable; it is the spoonful of sugar that helps life's castor oil go down.

In that vein, Mr. Parry Gripp delivers a joyful chorus to my heart as if sung by the Choir Invisible. I just can't help myself. In one fell swoop, insecure and defenseless are combined and fun is poked, and I can rest peacefully knowing I'm not alone in my need and desire for wanton cruelty. Bless Parry Gripp, and bless Nerf Herder.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Three A.M. and Cranky

Due to a certain unpleasant and uncomfortable illness this week, it's 3:30 a.m. and I cannot sleep. This is newsworthy because I say so. Am I rationalizing the newsworthiness of my blog? Screw that.

I'm going to, in the classic style of the Internets, make a list of things that are currently pissing me off, in the hopes that it will calm me down and help me sleep. In no particular order other than stream of consciousness:

1) The currently touring Smashing Pumpkins: dude, if when I'm 41 years old, you catch me strutting around a stage wearing a pleather apron and singing songs about my teenage pain and really feeling it, someone should just beat me until I'm dead. Honestly. Not that I'm advocating beating Billy Corgan. I'm not. I just...dude, you're incredibly wealthy, incredibly famous, and pretty damned talented. Mayhaps you get over life's foibles. If not for your own good, then for mine, because Mellon Collie is one of precious few double albums worth a damn, and now when I listen to it, I think of a pathetic man-child crying into a microphone about how tough adolescence is.

2) MRSA: lame. Absolutely lame. I shake my fist at nature.

3) Economics: wouldn't it be cool if even one economic philosophy was true/concrete and absolute? Just one?

4) I'm fat: just pisses me off, that's all.

5) Bam Margera: Actually, he doesn't piss me off all that much. But why the hell does he always talk like he's got a cigar in his mouth or he bit his tongue really badly? Does he have some kind of brain damage or something? I don't get it. Maybe I'm being incredibly insensitive. Whatever.

Bah. That's all I've got. It's four in the morning and I've get better things to do. Like read Trivial Pursuit cards.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Friday, November 21, 2008

Art College Girl

Every morning, I take the Metra train into the city for work. There's a community of regulars on the train...nobody ever speaks, but there are plenty of nods and smiles. We recognize each other, and are comfortably friendly while maintaining anonymity. There's me, Oddly-shaped-head guy, Baby Man, Bald Cary Grant, Stupid Lady, and Art College Girl.

Art College Girl typically sits in front of me upstairs on the train. Like any (presumably) eighteen or nineteen year old girl, she's bubbly and cute. She's one of few women I haven't automatically had impure thoughts about, because, well, I'm certifiably old, she is not, and sometimes you just want to preserve an image of innocence about a person. Normally, I'm a complete pervert, as you all should know. But not with Art College Girl; I just get on the train, sit down, flash a smile and wave when she walks past, and go to sleep listening to my iPod.

So this morning, I get on the train one stop south of my normal station, because I parked at my parents' house for a whole host of reasons. My usual seat is unoccupied, possibly out of everyone else's respect for routine. I sit down, pop in my ear buds, and boom, out like a light as soon as Three Little Birds hits my timpanae.

When the train pulls into Union Station, everyone starts getting up and queuing to get off the train as fast as possible, but per normal, I wait until the train has stopped moving because I'm a clumsy fat ass and know better. Art College Girl gets up, gathers her things, turns around, sees me and smiles as she walks past. I turn my head back towards the window and close my eyes for thirty seconds more sleep, and suddenly someone's patting me on the chest. I turn and look back, and it's Art College Girl.

She looks down at me, and strokes her chin, asks me, "Did you shave?" I had shaved, because two nights ago I ate soup, and had a moment of pure fatigue at having to shampoo my face every time I imbibed any spoon-ladeled liquid. For the first time in years, my face is completely shorn of whiskers. I nodded, "Yeah," and she smiled an eighteen-year-old smile, patted me on the shoulder and said, "You look good," with an approving nod. "Thanks," I said, mostly stunned at the first and potentially last conversation I'll ever have with this person.

So, the up and down of it, thank you Art College Girl, for giving an old dude something to feel good about first thing on a Friday morning. It was a sweet thing to do. And no, I'm totally not sexing you up in my mind now, and won't be. Sorry if that disappoints my readers.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

National Novel Writing Month

This is why I haven't been posting, and have kinda dropped off the face of the earth:

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Hope and Change

One of my coworkers made a comment yesterday that stuck with me. It actually brought something up that became so pervasive in (nearly) eight years’ time that it rarely occurred to me; something that changed so thoroughly since 2001 that it’s transparent anymore (or at least was transparent until Tuesday). What he said was this: “Yes, there are a lot of conservative Americans. Possibly a majority. But the bigger factor was fear. People have been afraid of the government, and they had an opportunity reverse that,” and though it’s a simple point, it is very true. As a society, we shifted from apathy—especially our generation (X or Y, depending)—directly into fear. At first, we feared the terrorists. The Bush administration used that fear to great effect, manipulating it to consolidate power and justify imperialism. They’ve used fear virtually every day for the past 2700 or so days (since September 12, 2001), to “protect” our freedoms by systematically taking them away. Fear has been used to distract the people in this country from the macabre realities of the administration’s aims and actions.

For example, a point of pride in the history of the United States—that this is the land of opportunity, anyone can come here to make a better life—has been perverted by fear mongering against the defenseless target of immigrants. “Illegal” and “Immigrant” are now synonymous, and the people who have come here with hopes and dreams and ambitions, people who with their work not only improve themselves but improve the United States through their contributions, are attacked in words and in actions. Yes, we have to acknowledge that illegal immigration exists and is a problem, but we need not fear it. We have been browbeaten to fear everything that is not “American,” and to fear is to loathe. Furthermore, “American” has been defined as conservative jingoism and evangelical capitalism—make no mistake, not evangelical democracy.

Perhaps I’m being mawkish, but the beauty I see in the election of Barack Obama is that he did not run on a platform of anger or resentment, or revolution. He ran on two words—“Hope” and “Change.” People voted, in record numbers, for hope and change. The overwhelming, transparent fear that gripped Americans was broken by such simple, peaceful concepts. It seems precious and even trite, almost a fairy tale ending.

Will Barack Obama catalyze change in the way the American majority has demanded it? In one way, he already has. Something huge and completely unprecedented happened on Tuesday; someone of color, of the minority, was elected by the majority. This has not happened anywhere else in the modern western world, and is a testament that the United States is as dynamic as it can be static, as progressive as it can be conservative, as compassionate as it is individualistic. The real fairy tale is if he continues, and if unity prevails as a result. He has the potential to be the impetus; it is the people who will become the change. God willing, to borrow from Obama’s campaign, yes we can.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Baghdad

George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, Tommy Franks, Dick Cheney, and whomever else you'd like to name invaded Iraq and Bombed Baghdad with the intent of creating a "Shock and Awe" scenario to bring Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard to their knees. In response to the shock and awe, the world shrugged.

Real shock and awe occurred last night, without a single bomb dropped or bullet fired. The United States of America elected Barack Obama, and the rest of the world has paused. Perhaps Americans are no longer afraid of their government. Perhaps we're no longer unwilling and unable to emulate the "United" portion of the States of America.

Shock and awe. For now, at least, our country, the world, is in shock and awe. That is an achievement.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Like Napoleon, short and angry

Taxes? Really? Your big issue is taxes, America? You're upset that you may have to pay more taxes? That's your big issue in this election, is it?

Nevermind that we're fighting two foreign wars with no end in sight (and please point out to me any other time in U.S. history that taxes were lowered in time of war), our economy is at a holding point just north of the vortex in the toilet bowl, our health care system is broken, all of our futures are mortgaged to the national debt, and the past seven and a half years have seen the admitted and implicit abrogation of constitutional civil rights (i.e. phone taps, limitation of due process...). More important is that you don't want your taxes to go up.

Taxes. Seriously. All you patriots, Americans, don't want to pay more taxes. Don't want to drop one more single penny towards supporting the troops you send to fight the wars, or to cover their medical bills when they come home torn and broken. Not a thin dime to help the government (which is supposed to be of the people, by the people, and for the people...we've always had a problem recognizing the responsibilities in the "of" and "by" portions, haven't we) work towards doing anything close to maintenance on the broken economy. Or a few fins towards guiding health care toward stability and sustainability. And, indeed, lets ignore the issue of the national debt completely, because it's downright un-American to not be in debt, right?

Nope, no sir. Not one more dollar out of your pockets. Because American Patriotism is actually just Rugged Individualism--stay the fuck outta my way, I'll take care of me and you take care of you. Funny thing is, that's not how reality works. True patriots are willing to stand together, to support one another until everyone is standing on their feet, and if need be, eat a shit sandwich or two for the good of the country, their countrymen, and society in general.

To paraphrase myself from a previous entry, because I'm just the kind of arrogant prick who does that sort of thing, we can stand united as a country to find a way to fix our problems, which are legion, or continue down the rugged individualist path towards collapse and failure.

And we can bicker about taxes. Like assholes.

Friday, October 10, 2008

A Message From Sarah Palin

The following is a satirical, fictional letter not actually written by Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.

Dear American Voter,

My name is Sarah Palin, governor of Alaska and candidate for Vice President of this grand and honorable land I Like to call America. I’m writing this letter to you as an opportunity for you to get to know me and what I stand for. Some might say I’m a maverick because I want to break through “the issues” and let you, Joe Six Pack and Jane Hockeymom, find out about me as a person, not a politician. You might notice as you read that several words are hyperlinked (I had to look that up, too *wink*), and I encourage you to click on them, because the internets never lie.

This land—America—is just the bee’s knees. I’d say “The United States of America,” but that wouldn’t give credit to Mexico and Canada, which really are like states 51 and 52. Anywho, If there’s one thing I support and know about, it’s patriotic energy self-sufficiency. In fact, I’ve been working with our Canadian neighbors to build The Pipeline of Patriotism, bringing some of that Alaska Downhome American Heartland vibe right through the pristine Yukon and British Columbian wilderness. I’m sure if there’s one thing those Canadians could use, it’s a good healthy dose of that can-do American attitude. Since the time of our Founding Fathers, this great land of ours has followed a righteous path, and I certainly won’t stand in the way of our destiny.

What is that destiny? Well, We’re the hardest working people in the world, as I’m sure you and Jane can attest to (*wink*)! And to take care of you guys, the fine workers of this country, John McCain and I are going to lower taxes to stimulate job growth. How does lowering taxes stimulate jobs? It just does, silly! What I love about my core—Americans—Joe Six Pack and Jane Hockeymom—is that they don’t ask questions.

I think there’s probably a whole other continent called America…but that’s not the America I’m talking about.

Well, ta-ta for now. Can’t wait to chat again—from the Oval Office!

Yours truly,
-Sarah Palin
Not really. Again: satirical, fictional, not actually written by Sarah Palin.

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Laziness

I feel horrible that I haven't written anything here in over a month. Also, I feel horrible that I haven't drawn a new Benny since freakin' May.

I'm just sooooooo lazy.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

George Carlin's Final Interview

So I'm reading George Carlin's final interview (by Jay Dixit for Psychology Today) and I caught a few excerpts that made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up a little bit. You know, when you identify with a statement so completely that it almost ruptures your sense of individuality?

Here they are:

"Abraham Maslow said the fully realized man does not identify with the local group. When I saw that, it rang another bell. I thought: bingo! I do not identify with the local group, I do not feel a part of it. I really have never felt like a participant, I've always felt like an observer. Always. I only identified this in retrospect, way after the fact, that I have been on the outside, and I don't like being on the inside. I don't like being in their world. I've never felt comfortable there; I don't belong to that. So, when he says the "local group," I take that as meaning a lot of things: the local social clubs or fraternal orders, or lodges or associations or clubs of any kind, things where you sacrifice your individual identity for the sake of a group, for the sake of the group mind. I've always felt different and outside..."

"...I don't really feel like a member of the human race, to tell you the truth. I know I am, but I really don't. All the definitions are there, but I don't really feel a part of it. I think I have found a detached point of view, an ideal emotional detachment from the American experience and culture and the human experience and culture and human choices.

I'm not an angry person, just very disappointed and contemptuous of my fellow humans' choices—and on stage those feelings sometimes are exaggerated for a theatric stage—you're on a stage you have an audience of 2500 or 3000 people: you need to project the feelings, the emotions it's heightened, and people mistake it for a personal anger but it's more dissatisfaction, disappointment and contempt for these things we've settled for."

JD: So let me latch onto that feeling. You're grabbing somebody and you're saying, "Don't you see it?" But if you really don't care about America, then why are you doing it? Why are you on stage? Is it just because you want to express yourself? Do you hope you can influence people in some way?

"You've hit on the contradiction, and it's one I don't understand the resolution to, if there is one...
But yeah, of course I care. Of course I care. My daughter has pinned me on that. She says of course you care, can't you hear it? And I say yeah yeah yeah, but they gotta prove it to me first. Show me you care people and then I'll let some of it out; right now I just want to scold you a little bit. "

Read the whole interview here

Friday, May 16, 2008

Antioch residents’ Mother’s Day festivities bring joy

Originally published in the May 14 edition of the Antioch Journal
Click Here

Antioch residents’ Mother’s Day festivities bring joy

By DAN MORRIS

ANTIOCH – Moms and their families took turns twirling on the Zipper, spinning in the Tea Cup ride and munching on funnel cakes during the annual Mother's Day Carnival in Antioch, which is sponsored by the 885 Civic Club.

Residents were treated to a taste of Coney Island at the corner of Route 83 and Orchard Street in downtown Antioch during the festivities last week.

The atmosphere at the carnival was thick with family fun. Moms, dads and kids darted from rides to games to cotton candy vendors. Smiles, laughter and excitement abounded at every turn.

Becky and Shawn Hiemstra brought their sons Sam and Jacob to the festivities for the boys' first carnival. Both watched as 4-year-old Sam spun through the turns on the Tornado roller coaster, all smiles as his gleeful shouts rang out.

For Becky, motherhood is all about joy.

“I love it,” she said.

Jill and Bob Hughes brought their kids Lauren and Jake to the carnival for the second time. While 4-year-old Jake twirled on the Tea Cups, 1-year-old Lauren anxiously waited her turn in her father's arms.

What's the carnival all about for the Hughes family?

“Rides for the kids,” said Bob, motioning to a grinning Lauren. “She loves it.”

“I'm lucky that I have two really great kids,” said Jill, before heading off with the family to win some prizes at the Bull's Eye game and filling Jake and Lauren up to the brim with corn dogs and elephant's ears.

There was no shortage of variety at the carnival, which offered many rides, including a carousel and Ferris wheel. The event offered something for the casual carnival cruiser as well as the hard-core adrenaline junkie.

Joe LaFleur, Chairman of 885 Civic Club's Carnival Committee, manned the ticket booth as thrill seekers queued up for their favorite rides.

“Every dime that we make goes into the town,” LaFleur said as he doled out tickets.

The carnival is the club's largest fundraiser, providing for four $1,000 scholarships that are given to students at Antioch High School and Lakes High School. It also provides for other charitable initiatives including PADS, Open Arms Food Pantry and the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Windy City Amusements provided equipment and staff for the event. The company has been involved with the carnival since it's inception more than two decades ago.

The 885 Civic Club was chartered in 1965 as a nonprofit group to raise money and support the Antioch community. It takes its name from the club's original meeting place address: 885 Main Street.

Now, the club meets the first Wednesday of every month in a member's home. Along with the carnival, 885 Civic Club also plans social events throughout the year, such as Halloween parties and picnics.

The next carnival, however, is 12 months away. It is a tradition many Antioch families continue to turn to every Mother's Day.

Librarian Celebrates 20 Years of Service

Originally published in the May 14 edition of the Lake Villa Journal
Click Here

Librarian Celebrates 20 Years of Service

By DAN MORRIS

LAKE VILLA – Lake County was a very different place 20 years ago. Gurnee Mills was nothing more than a few square miles of swamp land, Grand Avenue meandered between corn and soybean fields, and Lake Villa boasted a population of not quite 3,000 people.

Amidst all these changes, one thing remained constant – The circulation desk at the Lake Villa District Library had Cindy McBrady behind it.

“I can’t believe it,” McBrady said of working for two decades at the library. “It all kind of has gelled in the past 20 years.”

McBrady began her career at the library as a circulation clerk on May 9, 1988. Since then, she’s risen through the ranks to become the assistant head of circulation services.

The job came out of a hot tip from her mother-in-law.

“[My mother-in-law] had a friend whose son was coming to apply, and she said, ‘No, no, no. My daughter-in-law would be better for this,’” recounted McBrady. The rest is history.

Before working at the library, McBrady taught as a substitute teacher at Lake Villa Intermediate School (now Palombi School) for a year. She then moved into speech therapy for two years. She then took some time away from the professional world to be a full-time mom.

When she decided to return to work, the opportunity at the library was too good to pass by, she said.

“I worked at the college library; I worked at the high school library. So, when this job came open it was like the perfect fit for me,” McBrady said.

Growing up in Antioch, McBrady was a voracious reader. She would spend hours reading. And she constantly checked out books, she said.

“I’ve always loved the library,” McBrady said. “I’ve always got a book with me.”

During her daily work routine, the veteran librarian manages the interlibrary loan program, administrates databases, and above all, caters to patrons at the circulation counter.

The past 20 years of service provide ample evidence of McBrady’s passion for sharing books, and encouraging children to read. Her manner, though, renders an undeniable enthusiasm for her work.

“I just love working with the kids,” she said when asked about her favorite part of the job.

For many, two decades mark the denouement in the story of their career. McBrady is still working up to her climax.

Instead of focusing on years past, or fading into retirement, she’s still taking things one day at a time.

In terms of what’s next, the librarian replies she’s staying put for the next several years, aside from next Saturday, when she’s picking up her daughter from graduation ceremonies in Madison, Wis.

Since 1988, many things came and went – Seinfeld, VCRs and the fall of the Soviet Union to name a few. Unwavering, McBrady still stands ready, book in hand, for the families of Lake Villa.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Library hosts The Day of the Children

This one was on the Front Page of the May 7 Round Lake Journal. Front page, baby!
Click Here

Library hosts The Day of the Children to promote literacy

By DAN MORRIS

ROUND LAKE – More than 30 families gathered at the Round Lake Area Public Library on April 27 to participate in El Día de los Niños (also referred to as Día), which means The Day of the Children, a national celebration to promote literacy.

Toddlers to 10-year-olds gathered to hear Kay Elmsley Weeden tell stories, and they also sang songs in Spanish and English. The crowd listened to tales of Ferdinando, the bull who preferred sniffing flowers to bullfighting, and sang about elephants balancing on spider webs.

As the children sang and listened, Weeden invited them to become bulls and elephants, stamping the ground and swaying on gossamer. Thirty pendulous pachyderms perched precipitously in the spider’s web, then became a herd of Ferdinandos sniffing forget-me-nots.

Weeden, a professional storyteller for more than 20 years, began her involvement with Día six years ago. Her specialty is presenting bilingual programs in Spanish and English to promote learning multiple languages and foster respect for diversity.

“Día focuses on promoting the culture and heritage of a family,” Weeden said. “Whether Spanish speaking or English speaking, it’s about bringing families together around books.”

The event began with a traditional song called “Un Elefante se Balanceaba” (“A Balancing Elephant”) followed by a classic children’s story, “El Cuento de Ferdinando” (“The Story of Ferdinand”) by Munro Leaf. Weeden then led the children in the song “Flaquita Mosquita” (“Skinny Fly”) and handed out drums, maracas, castanets and tambourines until the room seemed to be full of rather large and loud mosquitoes.

The first Día event took place April 30, 1997. Children’s author Pat Mora learned of the Mexican tradition of celebrating April 30 as The Day of the Children during a radio interview at the University of Arizona in Tucson in March 1996 and wanted to celebrate the event.

According to Mora’s Web site, www.patmora.com/dia/dia_history.htm, the Mexican tradition grew out of the 1925 World Conference for the Wellbeing of Children, which took place in Switzerland.

Mora, along with some faculty members of the University of Arizona and other organizations planned an event to celebrate Día throughout 1996. The inaugural Día took place in Santa Fe, N.M. Events also took place in Arizona and Texas.

Día sprouted from Mora’s passion for literature and writing, as well as her desire to spread “bookjoy” to kids and families throughout the country and across cultural lines.

Since then, Día has expanded across the United States, reaching more communities each year.

“It has grown by leaps and bounds throughout the country,” Weeden said.

Elena Lara and Maggie Rodriguez of the Round Lake Area Public Library organized the local event, which is sanctioned by the American Library Association. The Library hosts several child and family oriented programs, including Día.

“It's about the kids,” Lara said. “[And it's about] getting the parents involved and to read to their children. This is one of the biggest events that promotes that.”

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Game to Remember

Originally published in the April 17 issue of the Graylsake Journal
Click here

A game to remember

By DAN MORRIS

GRAYSLAKE – In an epic showdown April 12 at Grayslake Central High School, David slew Goliath as the Grayslake Police Department beat the Grayslake Fire Department 64-53 in an annual Basketball Showdown game to benefit the Hero’s Fund.

For the first time in the game’s four-year history, the mighty Grayslake firefighters fell to the city’s police officers, despite having an eight-player advantage.

Breaking out to a quick lead with 10 unanswered points, the Grayslake police officer never lost the lead.

“It’s the first time, but we’ll see about next year,” said Capt. Jon Cokefair of the fire department.

Fun seemed to be had by all, and the atmosphere was one of friendly competition.

Before the game, kids shot baskets with the teams, and plenty of good-natured ribbing went back and forth between players. After tip-off, fans in the stands blew horns, had silly-string fights and cheered.

Signs in the crowd declared, “No. 31 is our block captain!” and “Cokefair For President.”

Master of Ceremonies Greg Koeppen of Medleys In Motion DJ Service provided play-by-play for the game and kept the crowd riled up, calling out raffle winners and occasionally taunting players through the PA system.

Koeppen and Medleys In Motion have been involved with the showdown since its inception.

“My dad was a firefighter, and as a company, Medleys In Motion has always tried to support the community,” Koeppen said. “We’ve been around for 11 years, and the community’s always been good to us, so we like to give back.”

A crowd of more than 200 reached into their pockets, and between admissions, the 50/50 drawing and raffle tickets for prizes donated from several local businesses, more than $2,500 was raised. Grayslake High School Boosters also raised $275 to plant a tree in honor of former firefighter Mike Dertz, who died in 2004 from cancer.

“The first game, four years ago, was dedicated to [Dertz], and we raised money for his kids,” Cokefair said.

The original showdown provided scholarships for their education funds.

Today, the Hero’s Fund goes toward providing scholarships to students from Grayslake Central, Grayslake North and Warren high schools. Money raised at last year’s game was enough to provide five $500 scholarships this year.

Roughly 20 students from each school applied for scholarships, each of whom submitted an essay describing how an emergency-services professional has influenced them.

In a ceremony at half time, Cokefair awarded this year’s recipients with their certificates. The recipients were Andrew Trahan and Sarah Wimmer (Grayslake North), Chelsea Dertz and Chelsey Wagner (Grayslake Central) and Rebecca Lutz (Warren).

This year’s showdown provides scholarships for the class of 2009. Funds beyond the scholarships are donated to families of police officers or firefighters who have suffered catastrophic injuries.

When all was said and done, Cokefair mopped his brow and said, “It’s fun! We enjoy doing it. People come out and have a good time, and we help out some kids.”

It seems a safe bet that next year, Grayslake’s bravest and finest will bring their A game.

Church Comes to Town

Might as well post here, as I'm not exactly generating any blog-specific content.

Originally printed in the April 17 Grayslake Journal
Click Here

Church comes to town

By DAN MORRIS

LIBERTYVILLE – More than 200 Greek Orthodox stewards celebrated the consecration of the new St. Demetrios Greek Orthodox Church in Libertyville Sunday, April 13.

In an official door-opening ceremony, His Eminence Metropolitan Iakovos of Chicago presided with the Rev. Cosmas Halekakis, Presbyter of St. Demetrios. The celebrants performed a brief service in the adjacent Fellowship hall, then led the congregation in a procession to the doors of the new building. Iakovos then performed a traditional door-opening ceremony and led the crowd in for the first liturgy in the new house of worship.

“Christian brothers and sisters, now is the time to open the doors of the new St. Demetrios Church,” Halek-akis said.

The new church represents the culmination of 25 years of planning and organization. St. Demetrios Parish bought the land at 1400 N. O’Plaine Road in Libertyville in 1983 as the congregation outgrew its facilities at North Avenue and Glen Flora in Waukegan.

During the intervening years, the property was used for the annual St. Demetrios Festival, a celebration of Greek culture and the parish’s largest fundraising event.

“Its taken time. Six years ago, we formed the building committee and things really got rolling,” Parish Council treasurer Bob Morris said. “We brought in architects and contractors and broke ground about two years ago.”

Christ Kamages, the architect behind The Monastery of the Theotokos in Dunlap, Calif., and The Cathedral of Panagia in Toronto, Ontario, designed the new building. Topped by a dramatic golden dome and cross rising 75 feet from the ground, the church dominates the landscape and is visible from I-94.

Covering 9,000 square feet, the St. Demetrios sanctuary offers seating for 500. It represents a traditional Byzantine cross-in-square design, reminiscent of the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul. Inside, the walls and dome are white, with ornate wood and gilt fixtures for the altar and sacristy.

St. Demetrios parish was founded in 1929 as the spiritual community for many Greek immigrants who settled in the Waukegan and North Chicago area. The new church is a touchstone occasion for the parish, which spent much of its early history in search of a home.

The Greek community blossomed in the early 20th century, settling around 22nd Avenue in North Chicago. Faith played a major part in their culture, and they would gather in each others’ homes to celebrate holy days and liturgical feasts. The first formal services presided over by a priest began in 1925 and still took place in private homes.

Illinois chartered St. Demetrios on Aug. 7, 1929. The first parish council raised enough funds to buy a small lot, but the consequences of the Great Depression delayed its plans to build. From 1931 to 1943, the parish rented facilities at Ebenezer Congregational church for $20 a month.

In 1942, the congregation raised enough funds to buy the Armory Building on County Street. Renovations were made, and the church was consecrated in 1943.

The community quickly outgrew the old Armory Building, and new land was bought on the corner of Glen Flora and North Avenue in Waukegan in 1957.

Ground was broken for a new building in 1959. On July 4, 1960, the doors to St. Demetrios’ first real home were opened, 35 years after the first Greek Orthodox liturgies took place in living rooms of the area’s original Greek settlers.

Now a thriving congregation of more than 200 families, the community of St. Demetrios continues its 83-year history. And with its spectacular new building officially open, all eyes seem to be on the future.

“St. Demetrios Festival is coming up in July,” said Morris. “And anyone can come.”

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Not so short, not so sweet.

As a child, I was pretty happy. Carefree, for the most part. I can't say the same thing as an adult. My perennial state as an adult in America is one of fatigue. It's a harsh existence we have as individual adults here. Should life be easy? Probably not; I'm more apt to agree with people who say you need to work for your due. But, as someone who's worked hard both mentally and physically to get to a point of earning a slightly above average income, I'd have to say that existence in our economy is still a struggle. And after struggling for real independence for the past eight years, fatigue overwhelms me. Fatigue which is magnified by the knowledge that the struggle is not over, and most likely never will be. The struggle is on so many different fronts, that my paycheck is honestly the least of my concerns.

Let's hasten to the point. I'm tired.

I'm tired of being insured by companies that are not interested in my health or my safety. Companies who spend more time, effort, and money on not insuring me. Companies who we all (those of us who are "lucky" enough to have employer-provided health insurance) pay to cover our health care, yet go out of their way to do the exact opposite of that. Why is it even an option for an insurance company to deny services? As it stands, we're paying for a dice roll, not "insurance."

I'm tired of the "fend for yourself," or "what's mine is mine" attitude so many Americans have. What is so abhorrent about investing in the community as opposed to investing in yourself? Yes, people should work for their due. Yes, people should earn what they have. In terms of luxury. What about necessities? Is our military privatized? Our police and firefighters? I've recently heard the following in discussions about socialized medicine: "Why should I pay for your healthcare? Why should you pay for mine? It's only fair that everyone pays for their own." Anyone objecting to socialized medicine on the basis of that argument needs to do some research; that's how our system works now. You pay into your HMO or PPO, a fund which goes towards covering you and everyone else in your plan. In any case, I'm not advocating socialized medicine; I'm advocating finding a fix to the mess we're in, whatever that may be. We're a nation of individuals divided by our self-interest. We're too concerned with what's mine and not what's ours. A gentle reminder--the motto of our great nation is E Pluribus Unum; Out of Many, One. We can admit we're part of something bigger than ourselves, that we are not whole simply operating as individuals surrounded by other individuals, or we can be united only in collapse and failure.

I'm tired of being afraid. We have a culture of fear. There's so much to be afraid of that I'm afraid to think about it. It's not unlikely that a round of layoffs could land any one of us in the unemployment line. Getting sick, that's terrifying. Even if insured, it'll cost more than expected, and there will be a fight for the coverage. What about inflation? The collapse of the dollar? The ruins of Social Security? Will my generation even be able to afford to retire? Will I be in debt for the rest of my life? Where will the terrorists strike next? Frankly, the current administration and the mainstream media have done a great job of controlling us through fear. We make our decisions in life based on consequences that have been invented to scare us into compliance. What happened to hope? Has it been squashed out of us completely?

I'm tired of everything costing so damn much. Housing, utilities, gas, milk, bread, cigarettes. Inflation is out of control. In constant dollars, wages are going down. People are making less money than five years ago. Not because companies are paying less per se, but because the dollar is almost worthless. We don't have buying power, we exist on credit lines, and are forced into debt to survive. Everyone I personally know carries debt, and not irresponsible debt. Debt to pay for education, housing, survival. It's downright un-American to be financially stable.

I'm tired of not being able to fix any of it. The corporations that control our debt are the same ones that control our law makers. Futility is the word on Capitol Hill, and futility is the attitude of the people. Getting anything done that would in some way hurt industry, or have a perceived negative impact on industry, is impossible.

There's nowhere else--nowhere good--to take this commentary. It's a downward spiral. We need to fix these problems, and not just leave it to Washington to figure out. It's our job, our duty to ourselves to think about this, and unify over our collective hope to survive. If nothing else, we need to unify in objection to the lack of control any one of us has.