What the hell is happening to me?

The other day, I'm driving to the local Home Depot. Turning off my street onto the main road, I notice a guy walking down the street on the shoulder, dressed in black. It's about 8:00 at night, and the first thing I think is, "Goddammit, why are there always people walking here? And why are they always wearing black walking on the shoulder of a main road at night?"

I started to get all worked up, the way I do, zero to cranked in about two seconds flat. Stupid people tempting me to murder them with my car. Don't they know I'm not stable, don't they know I've got a Polish temper, don't they know all it would take is a little nudge to tip me over a psychotic break?

Just as my temper is about to reach the flashpoint, a new thought crosses my mind: "Wait a second...there's always people walking here...why isn't there a sidewalk?"

You'd think the village would provide a safe artery for pedestrian traffic. How much could it possibly cost the village to build five blocks of sidewalk? To be fair, I don't think there have been that many pedestrian casualties on that stretch of road. But does that mean the village should wait until there are to lay down some concrete slab?

My village is a low income community where many people use public transportation, which they have to walk to. It would only make sense that there be sidewalks. And don't start with the "who's going to pay for it" crap. I've worked maintenance and construction. It wouldn't break the village.

I used to ride my bike along that stretch of road to the train station, and I stopped and started driving because I got clipped by rear view mirrors every day. Never injured, but scared shitless many times. Having had that experience, why did I immediately get mad at the pedestrian? Because drivers think they own the road, and no one else, cylists, pedestrians, hell, even motorcyclists, should be allowed fair passage. I know this, because I am a driver, but I'm one of those rare drivers who also occasionally walks, rides a bike, and a motorcycle.

I guess what I'm getting at is, next time you're driving and you get pissed off because someone's on a bike or walking on the shoulder, take a couple of steps to become reasonable again. A) Read the rules of the road (in illinois, bicycles have the same road rights as automobiles). B) Take a walk or a bike ride once you park your car for a little perspective.

Gosh, I'm such a party pooper these days.

Inauguration Day

Today, CNN.com and Facebook partnered to provide live streaming video of the inauguration to Facebook users who could log in and monitor their friends comments during the coverage. It was interesting, but overall just another social marketing gimmick. That doesn't mean I didn't participate, it just means that I'm a judgmental cynic.

While I was watching the coverage and feverishly trying to keep pace with friends and their status updates, some of the comments really caught my eye, for good and bad reasons. Some of these were (and it's up to you to put value judgments on them...also, names are withheld because I'm at least a little discrete):

"...thinks it is interesting that in 05 Democrats were aghast that GW spent 40 mil on his innaugeration in a time of war. Obama is on track for 150 mil. hmmm."
"...is not unlike Lee Greenwood in the fact that today, she is proud to be an American."
"...is FEELING VERY PATRIOTIC, AND HOPING FOR THE BEST!"
"...is mushy about America."
"...is just happy to be alive today to see this."
"...didn't realize there was going to be a new president. Wasn't George elected King for life?"
"...still can't believe "we" elected a foreign-born Muslim!"
"...wonders if the country will wake up in three months with a hangover and a case of "coyote ugly"

Half of the comments are generically patriotic, the other half are partisan claptrap either anti-liberal or anti-conservative, or specifically anti-Obama vs. anti-Bush. I won't pretend that this is a representative sampling of the public at large. It's just a random sampling of people I know somehow in some way. And it's all either blind hope or senseless venom. Personally, I come down on the side of blind hope, and yet, I take no great comfort in it.

I think, the only thing I'm taking away from this random and scientifically insusbstantial sampling of comments by my facebook friends is that my faith in the ability of Americans to rally together as Americans is dying or dead. Conservatives will be conservatives to the bitter end, as liberals will be liberals, and partisan pants-pissing will forever distract us from governing the nation and ourselves.

Sweet Jesus, prove me wrong. I'm not asking Obama, or Biden, or Bush or Cheney or McCain. I'm asking America, if America is listening.

Crucible Connections - Clam Chowder

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

Don't ever get this comfortable with your coworkers:

________________________________________
From: Guitar Hero
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 8:51 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: rabbit food

There are some snacks in the break room—if you don’t mind catching a rash of health.

-Guitar Hero
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 8:52 AM
To: Guitar Hero
Subject: RE: rabbit food

Is that like VD? Because if it is, you can keep it.
________________________________________
From: Guitar Hero
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 9:43 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: rabbit food

Did you try the snack in there? The dip has less taste than your grandma’s clam chowder.

-Guitar Hero
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 9:44 AM
To: Guitar Hero
Subject: RE: rabbit food

Yeah, I noticed that. It also has less taste than my Gramma’s clam.

Did I actually just type that? And Send it? I mean, doesn’t my keyboard have a “backspace” or “delete” key? Jesus, I’m dumb.

-Dan

Crucible Connections - Lord Dandlemort

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

My secret identity is exposed:

________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: M-Town Mikey; Daniel Morris
Subject: My Scar

So, I have realized a few parallels in my life to Harry Potter’s life. First I have a big nasty scar, albeit mine is on my shoulder and is from surgery not magic, but none the less I have a scar. My scar sometimes itches and sometimes it even hurts, Harry's scar did the same thing. Mine tingles or even becomes painful when Dan is around. Harry's became itchy when Voldermort was accessing his thoughts or when Voldermort was in pain, agony, grief, etc. I think that this parallel is enough evidence to say that Dan may have made me a horcrux when I had my surgery, I am not sure how he did it but he did. Also, I may have to question whether or not we should call Dan “Dandlemort” or just stick with “Dan”? So, Dan I have some questions but I can't ask you via the phone or in person for fear of my scar hurting.

-Bobby Fair Housing

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
To: M-Town Mikey; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: My Scar

1) Call me Dandlemort
2) I killed your anesthesiologist, performed your surgery, and turned you into a horcrux.
3) I like cheese.

________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: Daniel Morris; M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: My Scar

So from now on, I shall call you Dandlemort.
When did you learn to do surgery?
I also like cheese, especially Gorgonzola and Havarti.

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
To: M-Town Mikey; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: My Scar

I never learned to do surgery; I just know how, for I am Lord Dandlemort. By the way, I should probably tell you, when I did your surgery, I just kinda cut your shoulder open, jiggled some stuff around to make it look like something was different, and sewed it back up. For all my talk about “for I am Lord Dandlemort,” I’m not a surgeon, dude. So, like, you might actually want to go back to your doctor at some point and ask him to take a few x-rays or something. I mean, your shoulder probably isn’t right. Like, probably definitely. I spilled a little of my beer in there, and I didn’t wear gloves or anything. And, not that I really remember all that clearly because I was kinda buzzed, but I think I stuffed a bunch of polyfill into you. But I did spray a bunch of Fabulous Blaster on the joint to, like, get it all clean and lubed. I did do that.

Boy, um, this is just kinda getting worse and worse, isn’t it?

Hey, nuts to this. I am Lord Dandlemort! I make no apologies or excuses! Fear me and the tingle I bring to your scar!

Like, Rock On and stuff.

-Dan

________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: M-Town Mikey; Daniel Morris
Subject: RE: My Scar

You should have put some Great Stuff in there, that stuff works well.
-Bobby Fair Housing

Crucible Connections - Foul Drink Authority

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

Energy Drinks: how I used to survive the office.

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:37 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: Foul Drink Authority

I was feeling sluggish this morning, so I stopped at a gas station to buy some coffee or something. They were selling two cans of “Von Dutch” energy drink for $2, the bargain of the century. So I bought two cans. I’m 2/3 done with one can, and I’m all hopped up on goofballs. A co-worker asked me if it was FDA approved, and I responded, “If by FDA you mean Foul Drink Authority” then yes.”
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:17 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority

What’s it taste like?

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:18 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority


It tastes a lot like putrid filth.

________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:21 AM
To: 'Dan Morris'
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority

I love how that narrows it down.

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

Crucible Connections - 'Rheumatiz

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

Another short but very important entry:

________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:18 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE:

Oooh. Hot time in the old town tonight! *awkward pelvic thrust*


M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:21 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE:

I just got a mental image of you as an old man, thrusting your pelvis half sideways and half forward, because you had to relieve the ‘rheumatiz in your hip.


________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:27 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE:

That’s like some psychic shit, dude, because that’s the mental image I was trying to project.

M-Town Mikey
Copywriter

Crucible Connections - Active Drug Use, Insulin, and 12 year olds

Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...

I don't even know what to say about this one. Maybe just that I'm not right in the head.

________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:27 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

I’m going to replace an important word in our vocabulary, for the moment, with the word “active”.

Yesterday and today I have been so freakin’ “active”.

Like, every fifteen seconds, all I can think about is how “active” I am.

I’m so “active” that it would be unwise (for appearances) to do much walking.

Oh, by the way, Bobby is not working today due to his insulin pump training so I took his email off the chain.

I wonder if he’s feeling “active” today as well. If so, it’s not by my doing.


________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:30 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

Oh! Insulin pump training! He can put that on his resume. I was at my sister’s birthday party in Berwyn and this girl came up to the door with a wad of bills in her hands and asked if she could buy a diabetic syringe for her friend. At first we were all freaked out because we thought she was a junkie, but then we realized that she was just a stupid person with a stupid friend who didn’t plan ahead enough to bring her insulin syringes anywhere.


M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:32 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

That’s pretty stupid. Did your sister have a supply of syringes? Because that would be odd.

________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:38 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

No, she didn’t. And there was a Walgreens like five blocks away. She could’ve walked over there. I was thinking that since a lot of my sister’s friends are really hip and cool and skinny that she thought we were all heroin addicts, but that’s just a theory.


M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:41 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

Yeah, but would you really want to use a syringe from a heroin addict for your insulin? That’s more dumb than not bringing the syringe with you in the first place.

Also, my level of “activity” is making it difficult for me to concentrate. I’m thinking about getting a bowlful of ice cubes.
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:42 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

Whoa whoa whoa…what do you mean be active? LOL  BFF!


M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:47 AM
To: 'M-Town Mikey'; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!

HAHA! Best friends forever. That’s AWESOME.

I always wanted to be a twelve year old girl.

Wait, something about that sounds unwholesome. Perhaps what I mean to say is when I was twelve I always wanted to be a girl.

No. That’s worse.

Um.

BFF! ☻UR2GR8!

I think I might have to vomit now.