This particular Dunkin' Donuts can eat me

There's a restaurant in my building called Ponte Fresco. Before I started this wacky vegetarian thing (which...my God, I haven't pooped like this since I was an infant...), I used to go to Ponte Fresco every Friday morning and buy a large coffee and a ham egg and cheese croissant. It was the best breakfast sandwich available within a fifteen minute walk, and that's saying a lot.

This morning, I walked into Ponte Fresco, because it was time to eat some meat. I'm not doing this vegetarian thing for moral reasons, just health. And I've been eating so healthy lately, filling my belly with okra and tofu and celery and pinto beans, that I could scarf down an entire flash-fried buffalo and, as long as I ate a Fiber One bar afterward, suffer no ill effects. I craved that ham egg and cheese croissant, jonesed for it. First time in over a month.

Of course, wouldn't you know it, they don't make it anymore. Which not only sucks but also makes me feel guilty. With my switch to oatmeal and fruit plates, was I the only one supporting the Croissant program at Ponte Fresco? Did I contribute to the decline and fall of an institution near and dear to my heart (indeed, clogging my heart from the inside)? Yes, yes I did, and now it's gone forever.

At this point, did I just buy a bowl of oatmeal and cave in to the healthy lifestyle? No. No I did not. But I should have. Instead, I walked down to Dunkin' Donuts, and ordered an extra large coffee and a bacon, egg, and cheese Waffle Sandwich. With the order came the discovery that when frequenting this particular establishment, I can fairly assume that I'd be wise to stick with the eponymous Donuts.

Take two Eggo waffles, shrink them by 40%, and betwixt them, put some scrambled egg that's been in the freezer, and a few strips of vulcanized rubber in the shape and color of bacon and cheese. Dip the whole thing in luke warm water, microwave for forty five seconds. Wrap it in paper and stand around for fifteen minutes, to simulate the completely incomprehensible wait at the actual shop. That would be a fair facsimile of the Waffle Sandwich experience.

Furthermore, I'm assuming since everyone who goes into Dunkin' orders their coffee with cream and sugar, they brew it extra weak so as not to offend. I taste nothing that even remotely resembles coffee. I taste hot water. Perhaps a hint of chickory. But coffee? No sir.

Also, I need someone to explain to me the deal with coffee lids at Dunkin'. What's with the completely removeable tab on the top? What purpose does it serve? It doesn't anger me...just completely confounds me. WHY DOES THIS THING COME OFF? Is it for ninjas who need an emergency shuriken? What's the deal?

Next time I feel like breaking the diet, I will remember this. And, no, I won't order oatmeal instead. I'll do the sensible thing, walk down to McDonald's, and get a McGriddle.

A Video, which if you're a nerd like me, you'll enjoy: