Musical Malcontent

I love music. But I'm not passionate about it. There are people who are perpetual insiders to the music scene, who know who's who and what's what from Captain Beefheart to Alien Ant Farm. I'm not one of those people. I know what I like, I know what I don't like. Red Hot Chili Peppers have been a perpetual favorite of mine, and I can tell you which albums featured Hillel Slovak, John Frusciante, and Dave Navarro, but I'll be damned if I've ever known the drummer's name, or any of the other guitarists for that matter. I can't even say I've ever been curious. My enjoyment of the music stops at hearing the music. Memory typically fails for matters of trivia.

It seems like every five years or so, my musical interests swing dramatically. Throughout junior high and most of high school, it was all about heavy metal, metallica t-shirts, megadeath posters, and wearing military surplus clothes. Then I discovered KMFDM and industrial, and it felt like home. Throughout it all was a skittish interest in punk, but I didn't delve too deep because I couldn't make my round peg fit into the square hole of that particular subculture, and a lot of it just got on my nerves. My bad. Once I got out of college, I revisited the chili peppers and funk and reggae, but was musically empty for a long time. Now, I'm just a listener with eclectic tastes and a huge iPod library of songs I don't listen to frequently. Somehow, this makes me feel like less of a person. It always embarrasses me when I'm in a discussion about music and someone says something like, "It kinda sounds like____, you know" and I don't know. At times like these I do a lot of nodding and smiling, because the alternative is typically disdain. Also, I've learned (and occasionally am still learning) to keep my opinions on music to myself, because people get insulted personally when you don't like the music they like. Saying, "Yeah, they weren't great," or, "They just didn't do it for me," translates directly into, "YOU ARE A SON OF BITCH AND I HOPE YOUR OPTICAL FLUID BOILS UNTIL YOUR EYEBALLS BURST AND THE BOILING FLUID SCORCHES YOUR CHEEKS!" It just doesn't go over, you know?

I've never been able to really get into a "scene" beyond listening to the music and going to shows, either. Some would argue that that's getting into the scene, but I tend to think getting into the scene entails living the lifestyle. Getting tattoos and piercings, saying fuck off to your mom a couple times a week, slamming around the pit at the show, breakin' the law to stick it to the man. This is getting into the scene, and these things generally apply to any particular music-related scene, save maybe Country; Toby Keith clearly loves his mommy and G-Dub. I've never been able to make the leap into a scene. Tattoos freak me out. They make me violently uncomfortable. Just one of those things, there's really no explanation for it, something stuck deep in my subconscious. Piercings...whatever, not a big deal, just completely not for me. The pit scares me. I can't push people around, it makes me feel like a bully. Getting pushed around just makes me mad. And there's always that asshole who keeps pushing you back in when you're trying to get out, so you throw a hook at his jaw and get tossed out of the show. And as far as breakin' the law and stickin' it to the man goes, I've done plenty of that, but never related to music or a subculture.

To be honest, I've never much fit in with any group. Except the nerdiest of the nerds, and that was usually grudgingly. Maybe I just don't like people in general. Or maybe I spend more time analyzing everything in my life than actually doing anything. I've never been able to just go with the flow, as they say.

I confess: I'm a malcontent.