Resolute

Imagine that I'm singing this list of resolutions as I play a tune on a lute. It would be my Reso-lute.

In 2010, I'll chase these things:

1) Sell my house
2) "Make it" in comedy
3) Stop being awkward
4) Work the phrase "n'est plus ultra" into 70% of my conversations.
5) Swim to Tahiti
6) Shake a baby
7) Hunt, kill and eat a Pygmy
8) Intro every set I do with, "Hello, Ft. Lauderdale!"
9) Move somewhere else, Like Montreal or Swaziland
10) Drink the chicken juice
11) Starve a giraffe
12) Instigate the official Third Defenestration of Prague
13) Instill a healthy triskaidekaphobia in anyone named "Big Glasses Matt"
14) Get a tattoo of the back of my head on my face
15) Whenever someone introduces themselves to me, say, "Huh...you look like more of a Susan."
16) ...stop being awkward...
17) Sing "Moon River" whenever I'm at a urinal
18) Spend three weeks in the Lincoln bedroom before anyone notices I'm there
19) Teach an entire generation to say "spigot" instead of "velveteen"
20) something something something smoke pot something something
21) Fraudulently practice contract law
22) Learn to snore more loudly
23) Split all of my infinitives
24) Design an engine powered by spite
25) Grow a sixth toe on my left foot
26) Discuss my sweat glands with complete strangers
27) Wear ugly sweaters
28) Make obscure and esoteric references in a very general way
29) Introduce myself with an inappropriate level of intimacy
30) Perform the sign of the cross after shaking hands
31) STOP BEING AWKWARD
32) Say "Rock 'n Roll!" instead of "goodbye"
33) Clip only ever other fingernail
34) Turn "persimmon" into a verb
35) Name a cat "Lloyd"
36) Fight for pickle suffrage
37) Fire my underpants for insubordination
38) Drink a daily tonic of apple cider vinegar and tapioca
39) Apply for Micronesian citizenship
40) Claim my collected bowel movements as dependents on my tax return
41) Ask everyone who crosses within three yards of me, "May I have this dance?"
42) Screw it. Go ahead and be awkward.

The Old Man Chronicles

Today, I decided I wanted to have a bagel with lox and cream cheese for breakfast. I stopped at Jaffa Bagel, which is conveniently located in the lobby of my office building.

Aside from the fact that I ordered a bagel with lox and cream cheese, the events that transpired between order and payment made me feel old. It was kind of ridiculous actually. I'll deliver this in script format:

Me: I'd like a sesame bagel with lox, tomato, onion and cream cheese.
Bagel Lady: Toasted?
Me: Yes, please.
Bagel Lady: OK.

Bagel Lady selects a sesame bagel, slices it, puts it in the toaster, then takes the next order. While she's helping the next customer, my bagel finishes toasting, and Bagel Manager picks it up.

Bagel Manager: Who had the sesame?
Me: I did.
Bagel Manager: What would you like on it?
Me: Lox, tomato, onion and cream cheese.

Bagel Manager hands the bagel back to Bagel Lady and tells her my order. She puts some lox on the bagel, then She looks at me and says:

Bagel Lady: You want tomatoes and onion?
Me:(blinks twice) Yes, please.
Bagel Lady: Cream cheese?
Me:(blinks twice more) Um...yes.
Bagel Lady: OK.

Bagel Lady builds the sandwich, wraps it, puts it in a bag, hands to the cashier. I walk to the cashier.

Cashier: What do you have?
Me: Sesame bagel with lox, tomato, onion and cream cheese.
Cashier: With cream cheese?
Me: (glances to both sides to see if perhaps there are three of me) Yes!
Cashier: So a bagel with lox and cream cheese or a lox sandwich?
Me: Is there a difference?
Cashier: Did you have tomato and onion on it?
Me: (searches around to see if there's a rewind button for the conversation) Yep. I did.

The Cashier rings up the sale, and as I'm walking away, I hear the next person in line order a blueberry bagel with plain cream cheese. Bagel Lady proceeds to ask her if she wants cream cheese on it.

Does this seem like a ridiculous experience to anyone else? Because it did to me. And then I felt old because it felt so ridiculous.

Exhaust

There is no sanctity of the self anymore. We've created a culture of mass produced, manufactured individuality. Even our counter-culture idols stand up and scream at the top of their lungs, "Be like me! Think like me! Behave like me!"

I don't even feel like ranting about it anymore. I've got no faith that anyone sees the fallacy, or that I'm correct for feeling and seeing the world this way. I'll just make it my Holiday Wish this season that everyone can stop pretending that they're not drones following whatever popular trends arise. It's fine to adhere to popular gestalt; we are, after all, products of the time in which we exist. We consume the pabulum we are fed, and everything we are fed is pabulum. Whether it's Chef Boyardee, DIY Punk, Paste Magazine, the latest Scholastic Books release, or whichever underground indie flick is wowing audiences across the nation, we're not really much more than the exhaust of the consumer culture engine.

I'm just going to quote some of my favorite pabulum, because I'm part of the problem:

We owe so much money, we're not broke we're broken.
We're so poor we can't even pay attention.

So what do you want?
You want to be famous and rich and happy,
But you're terrified you have nothing to offer this world;
Nothing to say and no way to say it.
But you can say it in three languages.

You are more than the sum of what you consume!
Desire is not an occupation.

-KMFDM. Dogma, XTORT. WaxTrax/TVT Records, 1996.

What am I even talking about? I need a milkshake.

Crucible Connections: On The Road explained.

This is why my friend M Town Mikey grounds me. He can put my words in order when I get so frustrated with something that I can't spit anything out.

------------------------------------------
From: Daniel Morris
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Just for you

On the Road made so mad. MAKES me so mad. What is it about that book that was so special? What the heck? Why do so many people live in awe of it and Kerouac? There’s nothing in there! Nothing! Neal Cassady sweats a lot, they're all assholes, and then it ends. Pointless, meaningless, insubstantial claptrap. A vapid, sanctimonious exploration of pure and loathsome nihilism.

What did I miss? Seriously, what did I miss that’s so substantial that Kerouac is taught as the savior of American literature?

-Dan

------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: M-Town Mikey
To: Daniel Morris
Subject: RE: Just for you

I don't know that it's accurate to say that Kerouac is taught as the savior of American literature. The only people I've known who really LOVE Kerouac are unrealistic. It's not fair nor accurate to call them naive or innocent, but I have always regarded them as... magical thinkers, I guess.

I have never taken a Kerouac course. However, I could totally see such a course going like this:

Professor: Welcome to Kerouac and On the Road. In this class we'll discuss how two world wars and the resulting military-industrial complex so traumatized our nation that people came to believe that this piece of shit On the Road represents...something.

Student: You mean it isn't any good?

Professor: Just read, okay?

Student reads the book.

Student: Wow...

Professor: I know, right? It's a total piece of shit.

-M-Town Mikey

GNC is a bunch of filthy, scum liars.

A few months back, my roommate got strep throat, on top of a bad respiratory infection/flu type thing. And this thing lingered. Not wanting to catch The Dreaded Lurgi, I spent $29.00 on GNC's house-blend immune system booster, which the kindly Macedonian gentleman behind the counter guaranteed would make me, "Strong like bull, beautiful like tractor."

I took two of those capsules a day, every day, so I could stay healthy. Yes, I took two of them a day just like the bottle said, not on an empty stomach, drinking plenty of water, and do you know why I stopped? I stopped because after a week and half, I got hit with Lurgi Force 10, and was sick non-stop for a freakin' month.

I figured at the time that the sickness had already gotten a hold of me before I started taking GNC's fine brew. I find out now, no, GNC's fine brew is encapsulated bullshit. Because once again, my roommate has brought home the Lurgi, and from the moment he started to complain of feeling unwell, I popped the top on those bad boys and started huffing them down like Kim Kardashian with a tray of morning after pills. I'm going on vacation Saturday. I'm NOT getting sick.

Haha! WRONG! AGAIN! The Lurgi is now flowing from my bowels and seeping from my olfactory crevices. And with it, I'm sure, several grams of corn syrup and food dye masquerading as $29.00 worth of immune system boosting agents.

I'm so going to go sneeze on that Macedonian guy.

Cracked

I cracked yesterday. I was on the phone with Comcast, because I was interested in upgrading my cable so's I can enjoy the NHL playoffs in delicious digital HD. In speaking with the friendly and helpful service person on Comcast's end (this must've been an aberration; most of the time, Comcast phone customer service people are surly, rude, and ignorant of their own services and policies), I learned that it would be an extra $60 per month to add the digital starter package and an HD box, plus installation fees.

Now, on the website, this same package is $29.99 a month. With free installation. For new customers only. I asked if I could get that deal, and found out that not even an agreement with Satan himself could secure it.

My inner 60-year-old came out to play, and I snapped on the one and only friendly and helpful Comcast staffer in the world. I felt bad about it afterward, but my head may have popped like a water balloon had I not.

I said, verbatim, "You know what, screw this. I'm so f***ing tired of cable companies and wireless companies and every other service I subscribe to caring 100% more about new subscribers than me." This is where he interrupted me, but I just kept talking over him. "You want to charge me literally 100% more than a new customer because I've been stupid enough to loyally pay Comcast every month for the past five years."

I've got no excuses, and I won't pretend. I'm old. Maybe not in age, but in mind. These darn kids and their subscriber packages. Why are new subscribers more important to these companies? Why's it OK for them to lose money on new subscribers, but it's not OK to cut existing subscribers any slack? Why do I have to pay an $18 upgrade fee to AT&T Wireless when I renew my contract and get a new phone? Why does my cable bill go up every three months even though channels disappear? Why is it when I want to UPGRADE any services to either of these companies (read: give them more money every month), there are always service fees that go along with it that I wouldn't be paying if I wasn't so foolish as to be loyal.

I get so mad just thinking about it...anyway, I feel bad about yesterday because I ruined that dude's day for no good reason. It's not his fault he works for fiscal rapists. It's not his fault I'm a technology addict.

Point is, anyone know how to steal cable? Because I don't want to give ANY of these people my money anymore.

Facebook Fans

So, wow, I've got Facebook fans. 31 of them. That's pretty darn cool.

I'll be doing another stand up set tonight. Stay tuned. Because tonight's set doesn't hinge on the line "Babies don't have money." Or some subtle reference to improper uses of deli shaved ham.

My Facebook Fan Page

Midway Games: Bonuses of Bankruptcy

Take a look at this.

Midway Games, filing for bankruptcy, selling off any assets of value, firing thousands, and paying out executive bonuses.

So far, we've seen this behavior from credit institutions, banks, manufacturing...any industry touched by the recession. Now, even video game companies. I understand in rough times, companies must downsize. But if the company is going to downsize while allowing the executives who led them confidently towards failure to receive bonuses, my faith in free market economics is officially murdered.

Bonuses?! BONUSES?! You get a damn bonus when the company is profitable. If you're filing for bankruptcy, you don't deserve a damned bonus. But the people who worked creatively and devotedly for you certainly deserve their paycheck and, if need be, their severence and PTO payouts. Disgusting, absolutely disgusting. I wish this was the only story like this, but from AIG to Wachovia to GM to blah blah blah, bailed-out and bankrupted companies are paying out billions of dollars in bonuses while putting literally millions of people out of work around the world. The one silver lining on this story is that Midway isn't paying bonuses out of taxpayer money from bailouts.

Slimey, scheming, scum bastards. Screw begging your pardon, if this is capitalism and free market economics in action, color me socialist or communist or anything BUT capitalist. My trust in the individual is no more.

Holiday Inn City Center Peoria

Perhaps I'm a snob, perhaps I'm being picky, but, I sent this message to the hotel general manager:

Let me begin by saying that I have found the staff at the Holiday Inn City Center Peoria to be helpful and professional beyond reproach. They are all well-mannered and courteous. I appreciate the many complimentary services, including wireless internet and parking.

Unfortunately, for the $118.00 a night plus 11.5% tax I am spending during my stay here, the accommodations are shocking. Shocking is a strong term, and I wouldn't use it if I was not, indeed, shocked and appalled by the state of my room. The bathroom seems to have suffered through some sort of serious event. Joint tape on the ceiling in the shower is peeling and hanging loose. The shower head fixture has pulled away from the wall, the seal formed by the caulk broken. Baseboard trim behind the toilet seems to have been hastily applied in hopes of masking some sort of damage. When I sit on the toilet, it shifts precariously. It took twenty-five minutes for the water in the shower to become luke-warm enough to bathe in tolerably, and then suddenly became scalding hot as I was applying my shampoo.

Beyond the bathroom, one of the table legs on the desk is broken, enough so that I wouldn't want to put any weight on it. The weather seal around the window in the room is barely intact, and bleeds the cold winter air from outside.

When I booked my stay, I was not expecting accommodations of opulence and luxury. I was, however, expecting a well maintained room in which I could comfortably perform my daily ablutions. The price of this stay is by no means a bargain. It is a fee that demands a certain standard which has not been met. It is a shame that the dedicated and helpful staff here, which does indeed include you, will never, ever receive my business again.

Yours with extreme disappointment and dissatisfaction,
-Daniel Morris
Room 303

Me and My Stand Up

So this is what I do. And dream about. And stuff.

Recently:


Second Stand Up from Daniel Morris on Vimeo.
http://vimeo.com/3391290 for those of you on Facebook, because the embedded video won't get imported into my notes.


Previously:


Dan does stand up from Daniel Morris on Vimeo.
http://vimeo.com/3292963 again, for the facebook people.