There's a restaurant in my building called Ponte Fresco. Before I started this wacky vegetarian thing (which...my God, I haven't pooped like this since I was an infant...), I used to go to Ponte Fresco every Friday morning and buy a large coffee and a ham egg and cheese croissant. It was the best breakfast sandwich available within a fifteen minute walk, and that's saying a lot.
This morning, I walked into Ponte Fresco, because it was time to eat some meat. I'm not doing this vegetarian thing for moral reasons, just health. And I've been eating so healthy lately, filling my belly with okra and tofu and celery and pinto beans, that I could scarf down an entire flash-fried buffalo and, as long as I ate a Fiber One bar afterward, suffer no ill effects. I craved that ham egg and cheese croissant, jonesed for it. First time in over a month.
Of course, wouldn't you know it, they don't make it anymore. Which not only sucks but also makes me feel guilty. With my switch to oatmeal and fruit plates, was I the only one supporting the Croissant program at Ponte Fresco? Did I contribute to the decline and fall of an institution near and dear to my heart (indeed, clogging my heart from the inside)? Yes, yes I did, and now it's gone forever.
At this point, did I just buy a bowl of oatmeal and cave in to the healthy lifestyle? No. No I did not. But I should have. Instead, I walked down to Dunkin' Donuts, and ordered an extra large coffee and a bacon, egg, and cheese Waffle Sandwich. With the order came the discovery that when frequenting this particular establishment, I can fairly assume that I'd be wise to stick with the eponymous Donuts.
Take two Eggo waffles, shrink them by 40%, and betwixt them, put some scrambled egg that's been in the freezer, and a few strips of vulcanized rubber in the shape and color of bacon and cheese. Dip the whole thing in luke warm water, microwave for forty five seconds. Wrap it in paper and stand around for fifteen minutes, to simulate the completely incomprehensible wait at the actual shop. That would be a fair facsimile of the Waffle Sandwich experience.
Furthermore, I'm assuming since everyone who goes into Dunkin' orders their coffee with cream and sugar, they brew it extra weak so as not to offend. I taste nothing that even remotely resembles coffee. I taste hot water. Perhaps a hint of chickory. But coffee? No sir.
Also, I need someone to explain to me the deal with coffee lids at Dunkin'. What's with the completely removeable tab on the top? What purpose does it serve? It doesn't anger me...just completely confounds me. WHY DOES THIS THING COME OFF? Is it for ninjas who need an emergency shuriken? What's the deal?
Next time I feel like breaking the diet, I will remember this. And, no, I won't order oatmeal instead. I'll do the sensible thing, walk down to McDonald's, and get a McGriddle.
A Video, which if you're a nerd like me, you'll enjoy:
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
What the hell is happening to me?
The other day, I'm driving to the local Home Depot. Turning off my street onto the main road, I notice a guy walking down the street on the shoulder, dressed in black. It's about 8:00 at night, and the first thing I think is, "Goddammit, why are there always people walking here? And why are they always wearing black walking on the shoulder of a main road at night?"
I started to get all worked up, the way I do, zero to cranked in about two seconds flat. Stupid people tempting me to murder them with my car. Don't they know I'm not stable, don't they know I've got a Polish temper, don't they know all it would take is a little nudge to tip me over a psychotic break?
Just as my temper is about to reach the flashpoint, a new thought crosses my mind: "Wait a second...there's always people walking here...why isn't there a sidewalk?"
You'd think the village would provide a safe artery for pedestrian traffic. How much could it possibly cost the village to build five blocks of sidewalk? To be fair, I don't think there have been that many pedestrian casualties on that stretch of road. But does that mean the village should wait until there are to lay down some concrete slab?
My village is a low income community where many people use public transportation, which they have to walk to. It would only make sense that there be sidewalks. And don't start with the "who's going to pay for it" crap. I've worked maintenance and construction. It wouldn't break the village.
I used to ride my bike along that stretch of road to the train station, and I stopped and started driving because I got clipped by rear view mirrors every day. Never injured, but scared shitless many times. Having had that experience, why did I immediately get mad at the pedestrian? Because drivers think they own the road, and no one else, cylists, pedestrians, hell, even motorcyclists, should be allowed fair passage. I know this, because I am a driver, but I'm one of those rare drivers who also occasionally walks, rides a bike, and a motorcycle.
I guess what I'm getting at is, next time you're driving and you get pissed off because someone's on a bike or walking on the shoulder, take a couple of steps to become reasonable again. A) Read the rules of the road (in illinois, bicycles have the same road rights as automobiles). B) Take a walk or a bike ride once you park your car for a little perspective.
Gosh, I'm such a party pooper these days.
I started to get all worked up, the way I do, zero to cranked in about two seconds flat. Stupid people tempting me to murder them with my car. Don't they know I'm not stable, don't they know I've got a Polish temper, don't they know all it would take is a little nudge to tip me over a psychotic break?
Just as my temper is about to reach the flashpoint, a new thought crosses my mind: "Wait a second...there's always people walking here...why isn't there a sidewalk?"
You'd think the village would provide a safe artery for pedestrian traffic. How much could it possibly cost the village to build five blocks of sidewalk? To be fair, I don't think there have been that many pedestrian casualties on that stretch of road. But does that mean the village should wait until there are to lay down some concrete slab?
My village is a low income community where many people use public transportation, which they have to walk to. It would only make sense that there be sidewalks. And don't start with the "who's going to pay for it" crap. I've worked maintenance and construction. It wouldn't break the village.
I used to ride my bike along that stretch of road to the train station, and I stopped and started driving because I got clipped by rear view mirrors every day. Never injured, but scared shitless many times. Having had that experience, why did I immediately get mad at the pedestrian? Because drivers think they own the road, and no one else, cylists, pedestrians, hell, even motorcyclists, should be allowed fair passage. I know this, because I am a driver, but I'm one of those rare drivers who also occasionally walks, rides a bike, and a motorcycle.
I guess what I'm getting at is, next time you're driving and you get pissed off because someone's on a bike or walking on the shoulder, take a couple of steps to become reasonable again. A) Read the rules of the road (in illinois, bicycles have the same road rights as automobiles). B) Take a walk or a bike ride once you park your car for a little perspective.
Gosh, I'm such a party pooper these days.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Inauguration Day
Today, CNN.com and Facebook partnered to provide live streaming video of the inauguration to Facebook users who could log in and monitor their friends comments during the coverage. It was interesting, but overall just another social marketing gimmick. That doesn't mean I didn't participate, it just means that I'm a judgmental cynic.
While I was watching the coverage and feverishly trying to keep pace with friends and their status updates, some of the comments really caught my eye, for good and bad reasons. Some of these were (and it's up to you to put value judgments on them...also, names are withheld because I'm at least a little discrete):
Half of the comments are generically patriotic, the other half are partisan claptrap either anti-liberal or anti-conservative, or specifically anti-Obama vs. anti-Bush. I won't pretend that this is a representative sampling of the public at large. It's just a random sampling of people I know somehow in some way. And it's all either blind hope or senseless venom. Personally, I come down on the side of blind hope, and yet, I take no great comfort in it.
I think, the only thing I'm taking away from this random and scientifically insusbstantial sampling of comments by my facebook friends is that my faith in the ability of Americans to rally together as Americans is dying or dead. Conservatives will be conservatives to the bitter end, as liberals will be liberals, and partisan pants-pissing will forever distract us from governing the nation and ourselves.
Sweet Jesus, prove me wrong. I'm not asking Obama, or Biden, or Bush or Cheney or McCain. I'm asking America, if America is listening.
While I was watching the coverage and feverishly trying to keep pace with friends and their status updates, some of the comments really caught my eye, for good and bad reasons. Some of these were (and it's up to you to put value judgments on them...also, names are withheld because I'm at least a little discrete):
"...thinks it is interesting that in 05 Democrats were aghast that GW spent 40 mil on his innaugeration in a time of war. Obama is on track for 150 mil. hmmm."
"...is not unlike Lee Greenwood in the fact that today, she is proud to be an American."
"...is FEELING VERY PATRIOTIC, AND HOPING FOR THE BEST!"
"...is mushy about America."
"...is just happy to be alive today to see this."
"...didn't realize there was going to be a new president. Wasn't George elected King for life?"
"...still can't believe "we" elected a foreign-born Muslim!"
"...wonders if the country will wake up in three months with a hangover and a case of "coyote ugly"
Half of the comments are generically patriotic, the other half are partisan claptrap either anti-liberal or anti-conservative, or specifically anti-Obama vs. anti-Bush. I won't pretend that this is a representative sampling of the public at large. It's just a random sampling of people I know somehow in some way. And it's all either blind hope or senseless venom. Personally, I come down on the side of blind hope, and yet, I take no great comfort in it.
I think, the only thing I'm taking away from this random and scientifically insusbstantial sampling of comments by my facebook friends is that my faith in the ability of Americans to rally together as Americans is dying or dead. Conservatives will be conservatives to the bitter end, as liberals will be liberals, and partisan pants-pissing will forever distract us from governing the nation and ourselves.
Sweet Jesus, prove me wrong. I'm not asking Obama, or Biden, or Bush or Cheney or McCain. I'm asking America, if America is listening.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Crucible Connections - Clam Chowder
Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...
Don't ever get this comfortable with your coworkers:
Don't ever get this comfortable with your coworkers:
________________________________________
From: Guitar Hero
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 8:51 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: rabbit food
There are some snacks in the break room—if you don’t mind catching a rash of health.
-Guitar Hero
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 8:52 AM
To: Guitar Hero
Subject: RE: rabbit food
Is that like VD? Because if it is, you can keep it.
________________________________________
From: Guitar Hero
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 9:43 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: rabbit food
Did you try the snack in there? The dip has less taste than your grandma’s clam chowder.
-Guitar Hero
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Monday, May 08, 2006 9:44 AM
To: Guitar Hero
Subject: RE: rabbit food
Yeah, I noticed that. It also has less taste than my Gramma’s clam.
Did I actually just type that? And Send it? I mean, doesn’t my keyboard have a “backspace” or “delete” key? Jesus, I’m dumb.
-Dan
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Crucible Connections - Lord Dandlemort
Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...
My secret identity is exposed:
My secret identity is exposed:
________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: M-Town Mikey; Daniel Morris
Subject: My Scar
So, I have realized a few parallels in my life to Harry Potter’s life. First I have a big nasty scar, albeit mine is on my shoulder and is from surgery not magic, but none the less I have a scar. My scar sometimes itches and sometimes it even hurts, Harry's scar did the same thing. Mine tingles or even becomes painful when Dan is around. Harry's became itchy when Voldermort was accessing his thoughts or when Voldermort was in pain, agony, grief, etc. I think that this parallel is enough evidence to say that Dan may have made me a horcrux when I had my surgery, I am not sure how he did it but he did. Also, I may have to question whether or not we should call Dan “Dandlemort” or just stick with “Dan”? So, Dan I have some questions but I can't ask you via the phone or in person for fear of my scar hurting.
-Bobby Fair Housing
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
To: M-Town Mikey; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: My Scar
1) Call me Dandlemort
2) I killed your anesthesiologist, performed your surgery, and turned you into a horcrux.
3) I like cheese.
________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: Daniel Morris; M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: My Scar
So from now on, I shall call you Dandlemort.
When did you learn to do surgery?
I also like cheese, especially Gorgonzola and Havarti.
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
To: M-Town Mikey; Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: My Scar
I never learned to do surgery; I just know how, for I am Lord Dandlemort. By the way, I should probably tell you, when I did your surgery, I just kinda cut your shoulder open, jiggled some stuff around to make it look like something was different, and sewed it back up. For all my talk about “for I am Lord Dandlemort,” I’m not a surgeon, dude. So, like, you might actually want to go back to your doctor at some point and ask him to take a few x-rays or something. I mean, your shoulder probably isn’t right. Like, probably definitely. I spilled a little of my beer in there, and I didn’t wear gloves or anything. And, not that I really remember all that clearly because I was kinda buzzed, but I think I stuffed a bunch of polyfill into you. But I did spray a bunch of Fabulous Blaster on the joint to, like, get it all clean and lubed. I did do that.
Boy, um, this is just kinda getting worse and worse, isn’t it?
Hey, nuts to this. I am Lord Dandlemort! I make no apologies or excuses! Fear me and the tingle I bring to your scar!
Like, Rock On and stuff.
-Dan
________________________________________
From: Bobby Fair Housing
To: M-Town Mikey; Daniel Morris
Subject: RE: My Scar
You should have put some Great Stuff in there, that stuff works well.
-Bobby Fair Housing
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Crucible Connections - Foul Drink Authority
Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...
Energy Drinks: how I used to survive the office.
Energy Drinks: how I used to survive the office.
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:37 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: Foul Drink Authority
I was feeling sluggish this morning, so I stopped at a gas station to buy some coffee or something. They were selling two cans of “Von Dutch” energy drink for $2, the bargain of the century. So I bought two cans. I’m 2/3 done with one can, and I’m all hopped up on goofballs. A co-worker asked me if it was FDA approved, and I responded, “If by FDA you mean Foul Drink Authority” then yes.”
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:17 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority
What’s it taste like?
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:18 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority
It tastes a lot like putrid filth.
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 9:21 AM
To: 'Dan Morris'
Subject: RE: Foul Drink Authority
I love how that narrows it down.
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
Monday, January 5, 2009
Crucible Connections - 'Rheumatiz
Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...
Another short but very important entry:
Another short but very important entry:
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:18 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE:
Oooh. Hot time in the old town tonight! *awkward pelvic thrust*
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:21 AM
To: M-Town Mikey
Subject: RE:
I just got a mental image of you as an old man, thrusting your pelvis half sideways and half forward, because you had to relieve the ‘rheumatiz in your hip.
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 18, 2006 10:27 AM
To: Dan Morris
Subject: RE:
That’s like some psychic shit, dude, because that’s the mental image I was trying to project.
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
Friday, January 2, 2009
Crucible Connections - Active Drug Use, Insulin, and 12 year olds
Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...
I don't even know what to say about this one. Maybe just that I'm not right in the head.
I don't even know what to say about this one. Maybe just that I'm not right in the head.
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:27 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
I’m going to replace an important word in our vocabulary, for the moment, with the word “active”.
Yesterday and today I have been so freakin’ “active”.
Like, every fifteen seconds, all I can think about is how “active” I am.
I’m so “active” that it would be unwise (for appearances) to do much walking.
Oh, by the way, Bobby is not working today due to his insulin pump training so I took his email off the chain.
I wonder if he’s feeling “active” today as well. If so, it’s not by my doing.
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:30 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
Oh! Insulin pump training! He can put that on his resume. I was at my sister’s birthday party in Berwyn and this girl came up to the door with a wad of bills in her hands and asked if she could buy a diabetic syringe for her friend. At first we were all freaked out because we thought she was a junkie, but then we realized that she was just a stupid person with a stupid friend who didn’t plan ahead enough to bring her insulin syringes anywhere.
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:32 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
That’s pretty stupid. Did your sister have a supply of syringes? Because that would be odd.
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:38 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
No, she didn’t. And there was a Walgreens like five blocks away. She could’ve walked over there. I was thinking that since a lot of my sister’s friends are really hip and cool and skinny that she thought we were all heroin addicts, but that’s just a theory.
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:41 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
Yeah, but would you really want to use a syringe from a heroin addict for your insulin? That’s more dumb than not bringing the syringe with you in the first place.
Also, my level of “activity” is making it difficult for me to concentrate. I’m thinking about getting a bowlful of ice cubes.
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:42 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
Whoa whoa whoa…what do you mean be active? LOL BFF!
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:47 AM
To: 'M-Town Mikey'; S. Utahraptor
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
HAHA! Best friends forever. That’s AWESOME.
I always wanted to be a twelve year old girl.
Wait, something about that sounds unwholesome. Perhaps what I mean to say is when I was twelve I always wanted to be a girl.
No. That’s worse.
Um.
BFF! ☻UR2GR8!
I think I might have to vomit now.
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Crucible Connections - Underoos
Crucible Connections is an ongoing series featuring real conversations shared over work e-mail...
An incredibly short exchange, but well worth posting:
An incredibly short exchange, but well worth posting:
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 7:34 AM
To: S. Utahraptor
Cc: Bobby Fair Housing; Dan Morris
Subject: Good Morning!
Good Morning, people! Are we going to change the world today?
No. I didn’t even change my underoos.
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
________________________________________
From: Dan Morris
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:21 AM
To: M-Town Mikey ; S. Utahraptor
Cc: Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
Whatever happened to underoos? I used to have fire truck underoos.
________________________________________
From: M-Town Mikey
Sent: Thursday, May 04, 2006 8:22 AM
To: Dan Morris; S. Utahraptor
Cc: Bobby Fair Housing
Subject: RE: Good Morning!
They started making them for hipster girls.
M-Town Mikey
Copywriter
Downer's Grove
I'm interrupting the Crucible Connections series for some of my own banter. It's my blog and I get to schedule the programming how I wish.
The city of Chicago has a suburb called Downer's Grove. This town used to be home to a Sears Outlet Store before there were such things as Outlet Malls. At the beginning and middle of every school year, my mom would herd my brother and I together, and we'd head to Downer's Grove for clothes shopping.
Because i was five, six, seven years old, I had some irrational fears. Specifically pertaining to Downer's Grove, I was terrified of the place. Why? Because I thought that's where they kept everyone who had Down Syndrome, and I didn't want to catch it. Yeah, I know, you can't catch Down Syndrome. Try to explain that to a six year old. We'd drive into town, and I'd duck below the window line of the car, I'd fight with my mom when we got to the Sears because I didn't want to get out, I'd scream exactly like the little bastard that I was. The worst was the time I actually saw a kid who had Down's at the Sears Outlet.
ANYWAY, there's a reason I'm posting this. Not because it's funny, which you gotta admit, it kind of is, and not to make myself look bad, which it kind of does. I'm posting this because two people you may be familiar with after the first (and hopefully perennial) Crucible Connections series, M-Town Mikey and Bobby Fair Housing don't believe it. They think it's some sort of elaborate ploy. The inroads to my secret and cunningly insidious plan to lure them into my cult of personality, I guess.
M-Town Mikey doesn't believe that a six year old would even know about Down Syndrome. Clearly, I didn't know all that much about it because I was terrified I was going to catch it. But I knew it existed. Which is too hard to believe.
Bobby Fair Housing thinks it's a stretch that a six-year-old would come up with it on their own. Maybe, he suggests, it would be easier to believe if my brother or father told me that to scare me. Apparently, six-year-olds are incapable of abstract thought. I suppose this is possibly a legitimate point.
Whatever the case may be, it's true, and I'm still kind of scared of Downer's Grove, and I'm about to turn 30. So, like, that's that. Although, my cult of personality is open to anyone who wants to join.
The city of Chicago has a suburb called Downer's Grove. This town used to be home to a Sears Outlet Store before there were such things as Outlet Malls. At the beginning and middle of every school year, my mom would herd my brother and I together, and we'd head to Downer's Grove for clothes shopping.
Because i was five, six, seven years old, I had some irrational fears. Specifically pertaining to Downer's Grove, I was terrified of the place. Why? Because I thought that's where they kept everyone who had Down Syndrome, and I didn't want to catch it. Yeah, I know, you can't catch Down Syndrome. Try to explain that to a six year old. We'd drive into town, and I'd duck below the window line of the car, I'd fight with my mom when we got to the Sears because I didn't want to get out, I'd scream exactly like the little bastard that I was. The worst was the time I actually saw a kid who had Down's at the Sears Outlet.
ANYWAY, there's a reason I'm posting this. Not because it's funny, which you gotta admit, it kind of is, and not to make myself look bad, which it kind of does. I'm posting this because two people you may be familiar with after the first (and hopefully perennial) Crucible Connections series, M-Town Mikey and Bobby Fair Housing don't believe it. They think it's some sort of elaborate ploy. The inroads to my secret and cunningly insidious plan to lure them into my cult of personality, I guess.
M-Town Mikey doesn't believe that a six year old would even know about Down Syndrome. Clearly, I didn't know all that much about it because I was terrified I was going to catch it. But I knew it existed. Which is too hard to believe.
Bobby Fair Housing thinks it's a stretch that a six-year-old would come up with it on their own. Maybe, he suggests, it would be easier to believe if my brother or father told me that to scare me. Apparently, six-year-olds are incapable of abstract thought. I suppose this is possibly a legitimate point.
Whatever the case may be, it's true, and I'm still kind of scared of Downer's Grove, and I'm about to turn 30. So, like, that's that. Although, my cult of personality is open to anyone who wants to join.
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